Responses to shame vary widely and can deeply affect individuals, relationships, and family systems. Many parents unwittingly use shame to shape a child’s behavior. Sadly, some also do so intentionally.
The topic of shame is both broad and deep. Its origins and the many forms it takes in our lives deserve more exploration than this article can offer. Here, I will focus on the connection between shame-based parenting and internalized messages about our worth and the ways those messages may shape our adult relationships, leaving us more vulnerable to mistreatment.
Shame-based parenting is a pattern in which a parent attempts to control or correct a child’s behavior through criticism, belittling comments, or messages that leave the child feeling unworthy or not good enough. The parent may be trying to teach a desired behavior, demand obedience, or discourage disagreement. Over time, however, the child may come to believe some variation of “I am bad, unworthy, or not enough.” These feelings and beliefs can undermine the child’s growing sense of self.
Some parents repeat the shaming they experienced growing up, without realizing how deeply it can affect their own children. Others intentionally use ridicule, embarrassment, or belittling to pressure a child into obedience. A child might be mocked in front of others, have something tender or private used against them, or be made to feel selfish for expressing a need or disagreeing. A parent may not intend lasting harm, yet the child can still carry the hurt long after the moment has passed. Children need correction and guidance that allow them to learn while still feeling valued, respected, and loved.
At times (and perhaps more often than we realize) parents use shaming behaviors in an attempt to instill guilt, believing this teaches appropriate or moral behavior. Yet shaming can shift a child’s attention away from what behavior they may have engaged in and toward the belief that they are fundamentally flawed.
The distinction between guilt and shame matters. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” It can help us recognize harm, take responsibility, and make amends. Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.” Brené Brown discusses this distinction in her work, explaining that guilt focuses on behavior while shame focuses on our sense of worth. A child can learn that an action was hurtful while still knowing they are loved and capable of making a different choice.
A child depends on their caregivers for both care and a growing understanding of who they are. When those relationships repeatedly communicate criticism or contempt, a child may struggle to understand that the hurtful treatment does not define their worth. Instead, they may begin to believe, “Something must be wrong with me.” Repeated shaming can turn a passing feeling into a deeply held belief.
That belief can follow us into adulthood. We may work hard to keep others happy, hesitate to express a need, or question ourselves when someone hurts us. We may know that a relationship feels painful while still wondering whether we are asking too much. When criticism has been familiar for much of our lives, recognizing that we deserve something different can take time.
Internalized shame may make it harder to trust our discomfort, recognize mistreatment as unacceptable, or believe we have the right to set boundaries. Another person’s belittling words may seem to confirm what we already fear about ourselves. We may spend years trying to become “good enough” to receive kindness and respect, even though we have always been inherently worthy of both.
Research has linked difficult parent–child relationships with greater shame, and childhood psychological abuse with later partner victimization (van Eickels et al., 2025; LoCascio et al., 2021). While these studies do not establish shame as the pathway to later victimization, they are consistent with the understanding that psychological abuse can leave a child carrying feelings of shame and a diminished sense of worth.
Being vulnerable to mistreatment never makes us responsible for it. Responsibility belongs to the person causing the harm. Understanding the beliefs we carry can help us recognize our needs and choices without blaming ourselves for another person’s behavior.
For those raised in shaming households, responses to criticism or rejection can take many forms. Some of us become accustomed to pleasing and accommodating others. Some withdraw, distance ourselves, or shut down emotionally. Others may respond defensively or with anger. These responses may have developed as ways to reduce conflict, preserve connection, or protect against the painful feeling of not being enough.
For someone who recognizes themselves here, these patterns deserve understanding. We can approach them with curiosity while also taking responsibility for any harm our own responses cause. We might begin by asking: What am I afraid will happen if I disagree? Why does expressing a need feel selfish? Does someone’s disapproval mean I have done something wrong? Do I believe I have to earn respectful treatment?
These patterns can be transmitted across generations. Recognizing this can be painful. It can also create an opportunity to pause, repair, and respond differently. Taking responsibility, apologizing, and correcting behavior without attacking a child’s or others worth can help interrupt the pattern.
Repairing the harm of a shaming environment can take time and intentional work. Healing may involve recognizing inherited beliefs, learning to trust our feelings and needs, and experiencing relationships in which respect and accountability coexist. It may mean practicing a boundary even when guilt arises, allowing ourselves to disagree, or accepting care without feeling we must repay it by abandoning ourselves.
We can learn to take our discomfort seriously and recognize that our needs matter. Making a mistake does not make us bad. Being shamed did not make us unworthy. Being mistreated does not mean we deserve to be mistreated. Early messages can be deeply rooted, but they can be reshaped and they do not have to define the rest of our lives.
As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.
Photo:Pixabay
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Resources for Individuals and Families:
National Hotlines:
The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)
The National Domestic Violence Chatline.http://www.TheHotLine.org
Treatment Referral Helpline:(1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:(1-800-273-8255)
Counseling Resources:
Better Help:https://www.betterhelp.com/
Psychology Today:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Talk Space:https://www.talkspac
References
Vibrant Life Fan Made Meditations. (2025, April 24). Thank you universe: A powerful morning prayer of gratitude, alignment and receiving—Joe Dispenza [Video]. YouTube. View the original fan-made meditationReferences and further reading:
Brown, B. (2013). Shame vs. guilt.
van Eickels, R. L., Siegel, M., Juhasz, A. J., & Zemp, M. (2025). The parent–child relationship and child shame and guilt: A meta-analytic systematic review. Child Development, 96(3), 907–929.
LoCascio, M., Infurna, M. R., Guarnaccia, C., Mancuso, L., Bifulco, A., & Giannone, F. (2021). Does childhood psychological abuse contribute to intimate partner violence victimization? An investigation using the Childhood Experience of Care and Abuse Interview. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(9–10), NP4626–NP4652.
