“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.” — Thomas Merton
There are few workdays in my office when addiction isn’t part of the conversation. As a trauma therapist, I often work with individuals whose lives have been profoundly affected by substance use. This can include a partner, parent, child, sibling, or another important relationship. I also work with clients who have a history of substance use and are now engaged in recovery. Because meaningful trauma work requires stability and safety, I do not provide trauma therapy while someone is actively using substances. It is important that individuals establish recovery through an appropriate addiction treatment program or recovery support before beginning trauma-focused therapy. While I do not treat addiction directly, I witness every day the profound ways it shapes relationships, families, and the healing journey.
Current statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) remind us that addiction is not a rare or isolated experience—it touches millions of individuals and families across our country. Approximately 1 in 6 Americans live with a substance use disorder. An estimated 48.4 million people age 12 and older met the criteria for a substance use disorder within the past year. Alcohol remains the most common substance use disorder, affecting 27.9 million people, while 28.2 million experienced a drug use disorder. Approximately 7.7 million Americans met the criteria for both alcohol and drug use disorders.
While addiction develops for many different reasons and every person’s story is unique, substance use disorders can exist alongside experiences of trauma, chronic stress, loss, or emotional pain. Looking beyond the behavior to the person beneath helps open the door to greater understanding, compassion, and healing.
When I sit with individuals and families whose lives have been touched by addiction, I often find myself wishing there were words that could erase the fear, repair broken trust, or relieve the helplessness that so often accompanies loving someone who is struggling. My role is not to rescue or to force change. It is to offer a safe place to explore grief, hope, fear, anger, betrayal, boundaries, resilience, and the meanings people make of their experiences. Healing rarely begins by changing another person. More often, it begins by discovering how to care for ourselves while remaining grounded in compassion for our loved one’s experience.
While practical resources can play an important role in supporting recovery for both individuals and families, I have learned that healing also begins by gently turning toward the place where we have the greatest influence—ourselves. Loving someone with a substance use disorder often brings profound feelings of fear, helplessness, grief, anger, guilt, and uncertainty. It is natural to want to create change or protect someone we love from the consequences of their choices. Yet recovery is not something we can create for another person.
Instead, our work becomes learning how to remain grounded in our own values, care for our emotional well-being, establish healthy boundaries, and respond rather than react. As we begin to understand our own experiences with greater compassion, we often discover a deeper source of wisdom, resilience, and strength within ourselves. From that place, we are better able to love without losing ourselves, support without rescuing, and hold hope without carrying responsibility for another person’s recovery.
Perhaps this is one way to understand Thomas Merton’s words: “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves…” Loving someone who struggles with addiction does not mean approving of reactions or abandoning healthy boundaries. Rather, it invites us to see the humanity of another person while remembering that lasting change cannot be forced. Recovery is deeply personal, and healing belongs not only to the individual living with addiction, but also to those who walk beside them.
The most difficult and deepest expression of love is not trying to change another person, but offering compassion while trusting that healing, when or if it comes, must be freely chosen.
As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.
Concrete Resources Follow.
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Professional Disclaimer:It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.
Agreement of Use:In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed, it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care prov
If you or someone you love is struggling with substance use, know that support is available. Recovery is possible, and no one has to navigate it alone.
Resources for Individuals and Families.
- SAMSHA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) – 24/7 confidential treatment referrals and information.
- FindTreatment.gov – A searchable directory of treatment providers throughout the United States.
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) – Peer support for individuals recovering from alcohol use disorder.
- Narcotics Anonymous (NA) – Peer support for individuals recovering from drug addiction.
- SMART Recovery – An evidence-based, self-empowering recovery program grounded in cognitive and behavioral principles.
- Celebrate Recovery – A Christian faith-based recovery program addressing addiction and other life challenges.
- Al-Anon Family Groups – Support and education for family members and friends affected by another person’s drinking.
- Alateen – Peer support for adolescents impacted by a loved one’s alcohol use.
- SMART Recovery Family & Friends – Evidence-informed support for loved ones, emphasizing healthy boundaries, communication, and self-care.
- Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT) – For opioid and alcohol use disorders, medications such as buprenorphine, methadone, and naltrexone, combined with counseling and behavioral therapies, are evidence-based treatments that improve recovery outcomes.
References
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (2025). Alcoholics Anonymous. https://www.aa.org
Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. (2025). Al-Anon Family Groups. https://al-anon.org
Celebrate Recovery. (2025). Celebrate Recovery. https://www.celebraterecovery.com
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026). Substance use and mental health. https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/about-data/substance-use-mental-health.html
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026). Treatment of substance use disorders. https://www.cdc.gov/overdose-prevention/treatment/
Merton, T. (1955). No man is an island. Harcourt, Brace.
Narcotics Anonymous World Services. (2025). Narcotics Anonymous. https://na.org
SMART Recovery. (2025). SMART Recovery. https://smartrecovery.org
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2025). FindTreatment.gov. https://findtreatment.gov
As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.
National Hotlines:
The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)
The National Domestic Violence Chatline.http://www.TheHotLine.org
Treatment Referral Helpline:(1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:(1-800-273-8255)
The Hotline. (n.d.).Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline.https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
Counseling Resources:
Better Help:https://www.betterhelp.com/
Psychology Today:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Talk Space:https://www.talkspace
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