|This month I have chosen to share an excerpt from Friedman’s Fables. His thought provoking and symbolic stories, found in the book Friedman’s Fables, encompass the many complexities and dilemmas of human relationship. The fables, ambiguous in nature, are designed to make us think. Friedman notes the intention is to stimulate thought and questions rather than produce definitive answers or directions. It is through this process that thinking deepens and, I would believe, self reflective and critical thinking skills are enhanced as we come face to face with our deeper struggles and challenges. |
The following is one of Friedman’s most well-known fables.
The Bridge (Fable) – Edwin H. Friedman
There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often, he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.
Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.
He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.
The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, “Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?”
Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
“Thank you,” said the other, who then added, “two hands now, and remember, hold tight.” Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge. Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.
“What are you trying to do?” he yelled. “Just hold tight,” said the other.
“This is ridiculous,” the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.” “But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. “If you let go, I am lost,” repeated the other.
He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.
“What do you want?” he asked the other hanging below. “Just your help,” the other answered. “How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you.” “I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier.”
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?” “Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.” What should he do? “If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.”
With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. “That would teach this fool.” But he wanted to live and to live life fully. “What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?”
As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.
A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.
“Now listen,” he shouted down. “I think I know how to save you.” And he explained his plan. But the other wasn’t interested. “You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.” “You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”
The point of decision arrived. What should he do? “My life or this other’s?” And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.
“I want you to listen to me carefully,” he said, “because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you.” “What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid. “I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here.” He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side. “You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.” He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” he said, at last, and freed his hands.
Thoughts for further reflection: This is “the end” of the story but also a potential beginning as one starts to explore the many thoughts and feelings that are stirred through this reading. The metaphorical tale is most often utilized in treatment settings around the concept of boundaries and enabling. It is utilized as an invitation to identify and explore the difficult components of relationship with highly dependent others and possibly one’s own dependency or codependency. It is important to note, while the language encompassing dependency and codependency are most often recognized within the addiction’s community, the teachings of “The Bridge” reach much further. These can include, but are not not limited to, areas of attachment, addictions, emotional and behavioral health needs, personality disorder (primarily borderline personality disorder), disabilities, physical care taking, institutions, social constructs, and issues etc. In essence, there are many ways in which a pattern of taking responsibility for others or a pattern of expecting others to take responsibility for your own self (in adult relationships), are set in place. In my experience these relational patterns begin early in life and are often generational in nature. Making genuine and lasting change means the willingness to reflect on, struggle with, and eventually apply the learning from this layered self-exploration.
There are many places one can venture in the type of reflection Edwin Friedman offers. Some of his questions, for this further reflection, follow. I find, as they are masterfully designed to do, they leave one with emotional response, further questions, and the potential for deeply pertinent insights.
1) How would you get the man hanging from the rope to take responsibility for himself?
2) How Much responsibility does the man on the bridge have for the other?
3) Why is it so difficult to let go once we are experiencing “rope burn”?
4) What is a higher value, self-sacrifice, or achieving your own salvation?
5) Why do the “needy” often get “most needy” when others around are functioning best?
6) Why are those most dependent most often calling the shots?
7) If the man on the bridge never got away, could the man hanging onto the rope be accused of murder?
8) How does “The Bridge” get played out in families, schools, religious institutions, health care delivery centers, business organizations, or “entitlement programs”?
9) Could both men be the same person?
10) If someone came up to you and said, “hold the end or I’ll jump”, what would you do?
As always, my hope is that you find something of value in what has been shared here. I welcome your thoughts and insights.
Note: See resources section for Edwin Friedman’s book and additional applicable readings regarding Co-Dependency and Borderline Personality Disorder. There are many to choose from, a few are offered here.
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Photo: Image found on Pixabay
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Melody Beattie
Codependent No More Workbook. Melody Beattie
Friedman’s Fables, Edwin H. Friedman
Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. Rachel Reilind.
I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me : Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder,
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. Randi Kreger and Paul Mason