Defenses & Constructs, Personality

The Bridge: Friedman’s Fables

This month I have chosen to share an excerpt from Friedman’s Fables. His thought provoking and symbolic stories, found in the book Friedman’s Fables, encompass the many complexities and dilemmas of human relationship. The fables, ambiguous in nature, are designed to make us think. Friedman notes the intention is to stimulate thought and questions rather than produce definitive answers or directions. It is through this process that thinking deepens and, I would believe, self reflective and critical thinking skills are enhanced as we come face to face with our deeper struggles and challenges.

The following is one of Friedman’s most well-known fables.

The Bridge (Fable) – Edwin H. Friedman

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often, he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.
 
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, “Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?”

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

“Thank you,” said the other, who then added, “two hands now, and remember, hold tight.” Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge. Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

“What are you trying to do?” he yelled. “Just hold tight,” said the other.

“This is ridiculous,” the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.” “But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. “If you let go, I am lost,” repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

“What do you want?” he asked the other hanging below. “Just your help,” the other answered. “How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you.” “I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier.”

 Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

 “Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?” “Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.” What should he do? “If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.”

With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. “That would teach this fool.” But he wanted to live and to live life fully. “What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?”

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.

 A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

 “Now listen,” he shouted down. “I think I know how to save you.” And he explained his plan. But the other wasn’t interested. “You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.” “You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? “My life or this other’s?” And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

“I want you to listen to me carefully,” he said, “because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you.” “What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid. “I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here.” He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side. “You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.” He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” he said, at last, and freed his hands.

Thoughts for further reflection: This is “the end” of the story but also a potential beginning as one starts to explore the many thoughts and feelings that are stirred through this reading. The metaphorical tale is most often utilized in treatment settings around the concept of boundaries and enabling. It is utilized as an invitation to identify and explore the difficult components of relationship with highly dependent others and possibly one’s own dependency or codependency. It is important to note, while the language encompassing dependency and codependency are most often recognized within the addiction’s community, the teachings of “The Bridge” reach much further. These can include, but are not not limited to, areas of attachment, addictions, emotional and behavioral health needs, personality disorder (primarily borderline personality disorder), disabilities, physical care taking, institutions, social constructs, and issues etc. In essence, there are many ways in which a pattern of taking responsibility for others or a pattern of expecting others to take responsibility for your own self (in adult relationships), are set in place. In my experience these relational patterns begin early in life and are often generational in nature. Making genuine and lasting change means the willingness to reflect on, struggle with, and eventually apply the learning from this layered self-exploration.

There are many places one can venture in the type of reflection Edwin Friedman offers. Some of his questions, for this further reflection, follow. I find, as they are masterfully designed to do, they leave one with emotional response, further questions, and the potential for deeply pertinent insights.

1) How would you get the man hanging from the rope to take responsibility for himself?
2) How Much responsibility does the man on the bridge have for the other?
3) Why is it so difficult to let go once we are experiencing “rope burn”?
4) What is a higher value, self-sacrifice, or achieving your own salvation?
5) Why do the “needy” often get “most needy” when others around are functioning best?
6) Why are those most dependent most often calling the shots?
7) If the man on the bridge never got away, could the man hanging onto the rope be accused of murder?
8) How does “The Bridge” get played out in families, schools, religious institutions, health care delivery centers, business organizations, or “entitlement programs”?
9) Could both men be the same person?
10) If someone came up to you and said, “hold the end or I’ll jump”, what would you do?

As always, my hope is that you find something of value in what has been shared here. I welcome your thoughts and insights.

Deepest Care,

LaDonna

Note: See resources section for Edwin Friedman’s book and additional applicable readings regarding Co-Dependency and Borderline Personality Disorder. There are many to choose from, a few are offered here.

Copyright Protected Material: © 2014 ~ 2021 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted,; it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

National Hotlines: 
Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-825

Photo: Image found on Pixabay

Resources:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Melody Beattie

Codependent No More Workbook. Melody Beattie

Friedman’s Fables, Edwin H. Friedman

Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. Rachel Reilind.

I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me : Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder,

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. Randi Kreger and Paul Mason




























38 thoughts on “The Bridge: Friedman’s Fables”

  1. I have never heard of this fable or thinker before, so thank you sharing.

    It resonated with me in two ways. The first, as you know, is that I am a parent of a child with special needs. While he is still very young and I very much have a responsible to carry his rope and weight around my waist, I often think about what life will he like when he’s older. We always think and aspire and hope he will be carrying his own rope own day. We shall see!

    The other perspective I see this tale from is via mental health. How there are individuals within my circle who unfortunately suffer from mental health issues and there is only so much you can do to hang onto the rope before you have to let go and let them seek the help you’ve been encouraging them to seek.

    It’s a good tale! I’ll have to look up Friedman’s other works.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. I just realized I hadn’t replied to your thoughtful and insightful comment Ab 💗 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I do think parenting a high needs child is much like this. It is a paced and gradual journey ( in that letting go process) for certain. 💗

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    2. Humm, so many avenues to go down. A lot of symbolism in this piece. What if the man on the bridge held the rope and began turning in circles effectively wrapping the rope around his waste. It would eventually pull the man up.

      How responsible are we to others versus ourselves. In law, there is the no duty rule. You don’t have to help anyone. However, once you do and create a dependent relationship, then you do have a duty to finish helping.

      Of course, there is a moral obligation to offer assistance. I suppose one could always relegate the interests of others above self interest, but doesn’t such codependence really leave both parties stuck where they both fail to reach their potential ?

      Can a person achieve self-actualization if they are always helping others? Tough question. But self-actualization is different from chasing a career move or from seeking material gain.

      My nature would be to help. But what defines help. In my own personal life I had a similar situation. Five years I spent trying to get my alcoholic wife to get some help. Finally, I realized the only chance of helping her was to leave. Sounds ironic, but it forced her to take care of herself and she finally got help. She would have died otherwise, so the best I could do to help her was in fact to quit helping and enabling her. Crazy. Great post LaDonna !

      Liked by 3 people

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  3. I must admit, reading the story I thought it’s the same person but I could see the dependency and codependency, strongly outplaying here. Thought provoking story! Thank you for a great share.

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. I love this post!!! Great analogy, and was wondering how it would be resolved in the end! Both men have the choice to save their lives on their own accords. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. What a fascinating analogy, LaDonna. It resonates very strongly with me having dealt with my single mother’s alcoholism in my teenage years. I don’t think I enabled her as I was too young but she recovered once she realized I would be leaving. My husband and I cared for her at a distance until her death.

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  6. Very thought-provoking, LaDonna, thanks for sharing. I have a dear lifelong friend of whom the dangling man reminded me; as much as I love her, I can take her only in small doses. In past decades, I believed she was aware of her emotional manipulation, but now I think it’s just her way of adapting to life’s challenges, and she doesn’t even realize it. Sad. 🌞

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience Lisa. I do agree, most often it isn’t in conscious awareness. I’m glad you set the limit of “small
      doses” and take care of yourself in this relationship too. It’s important ♥️.

      Liked by 1 person

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  7. I love this post, dearest LaDonna. Wow. Is powerful. As I’ve written here before, I was raised in a codependent household, and then reproduced that with my ex-wife. It just was. Boundaries are so important; and, indeed, each person’s life is their own to live, to choose to live. This is a lovely reflective post. I will continue my reflection. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you Jeff. I appreciate your thoughts and sharing. I agree with you ,boundaries are important and knowing we have the right to set them can take some time. It is truly a worthwhile journey ♥️♥️. Sending lots of hopes for a happy and reflection filled weekend ahead ♥️♥️.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. You’re welcome, LaDonna. Always. 🥰 Indeed, it does take time, and I completely agree, the journey is so worth it. Thank you, my friend. Have a lovely weekend. ❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I am glad you have broken this pattern and know the work, strength, and courage involved. I hope you are well and Monday is off to a good start for you. Have a good week ahead. 💗💗

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