Attachment & Relationship

“Shake the Sugar Tree”, Creating Illusion for Personal Gain.

Standing in line at a local coffee shop, even safely masked and distanced, I (along with anyone else in proximity) overheard what seemed like ill-fated advice. A group of 3 women ahead of me (maybe in their mid-twenties) one now looking distinctly embarrassed and trying to quiet the other two, were waxing on about relationship. Before she (the seemingly embarrassed recipient of advice) got them contained, the taller of the three (a head full of trendily cut red hair and lip stick to match) flippantly and loudly said, “you have to give him something to worry about. Don’t answer his texts for a few days. Tell him (she said with a wave of her hand) oh, I forgot you texted”. The third member of the trio, a shorter brunette clad in a checkered pencil skirt and fitted leather jacket) every bit as trendy as her red headed counterpart, seemed to readily agree and added “just let him know other guys are interested. That always gets their attention. Guys want what they can’t have! You have to make him work”.

It’s surprising how many times some rendition of this advice is given, or this tactic taken in relationship. Not only by women in their 20’s but people of all ages. I couldn’t help but think of the lines from a 90’s Pam Tillis Song entitled “Shake the Sugar Tree”. (“I’ve got to raise some commotion. Before you show me some emotion. I’ll shake the sugar tree. I’ll feel your love fallin’ all around me“~ “jealousy it is as bitter as a green spring berry“~ “I’ve got to shake you up just to wake you up , to make you love me“). The recipient of this advice looked like she hadn’t slept. She looked tired, her blond hair pulled into a messy bun and snuggled into a large comfort hoodie, she also looked embarrassingly snuggled into the uncomfortable comfort of her well-meaning friends.

This notion of stirring jealousy (or any painful emotion) in others to increase our value to them is an interesting one. I of course don’t know the dynamics of this young woman’s relationship and distracted myself with my phone (and Tillis’ lyrics rolling around in my brain) as I waited within my six feet and ordered my coffee. Sitting in the car, before heading back home with My and L’s (my husband and partner in life contemplations) occasional franchised Coffee’s, I was compelled to search out the song and have a listen. Tillis’ country twang kept me company for a portion of the short drive home, as did my many thoughts about this ideology.

A portion of my role, in my work life, is to assist others in identifying and processing feelings, while building safe and healthy perspectives. The feeling of jealousy is both normal and misunderstood. It gets assigned negative meanings and for some seems to imply there is something wrong with you for feeling it. This is a true double bind. Feeling a normal feeling, that means your bad for feeling it leaves confusion and (if experienced with consistency) can lead to disconnect from overall emotional experience. What is essential is to look at why you feel it (the painful feeling) and make conscious decisions about how to manage it. In essence jealousy is a feeling that has become synonymous with feeling less than. And, why, if we look back at the occurrences in the coffee line, would anyone direct you to purposefully make someone feel less than or not enough?

In truth, if we manufacture scenarios to create a feeling of being less than in another, we could get a whole host of undesirable responses. And might be better served looking at and processing why we are hurting. Or, why we might believe stirring jealousy seems an option at all. It is possible, making another feel less then or fearful might be effective in making the person feel insecure. And, depending on that person’s history he, she, or they might respond with more superficial desire to hold onto you. But this comes from a place of hurt not a place of deeply held reflection and belief. It is a defense to guard against pain, as is the wish or behavior (if followed-through) of perpetuating this feeling in another. A painful cycle born in one’s history. The place we begin our eventual roadmap for emotions and relationships.

Without experiences of reflecting on and working through our emotions, it is easy to engage in reflexive response (defense) to avoid pain. Standing in line, my brain associated the song’s catchy lyrics, and remembered myself and sister singing along at the height of its popularity in the 90’s. I am certain I did no deeper reflecting back then, just sang along and enjoyed my sister’s company. The song itself, while the actual message isn’t helpful, likely had a place because it resonated with many. We can all likely relate to the feeling of loss, potential loss, or rejection and the places these feelings take us. If we fast-forward to 2008 ~Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) encapsulates a similar message. An ultimatum, of sorts.  (“You had your turn and now your gonna learn, what it really feels like to miss me”). This, also catchy and fun song, has many potential meanings. In some ways, it implies strength after suffering, but also implies staying too long in something that isn’t good for you (“just cried my tears for 3 long years”). Taking something away and possibly giving an ultimatum to stay in that something (not good for you) if marriage could not be obtained). As we know, the song was widely popular, even grabbing our attention with that now infamous Saturday Night Live Skit. (A skit you can likely find in your own brains associations as you read this. If not, and you’re interested, please see the resources section of this article). I’m certainly not attempting to ruin our fun with listening and enjoying music (I have a place for most genres and hold music as a large part of my life). I am inviting further reflection around the messages contained, exploration of our own impulses and deeper beliefs, and acknowledgement of feelings. (Both those emotions that are pleasant and those that are not).

Once home, handing L’s coffee to him, I settled into a cozy spot on the couch next to him and (as I often like to do) shared my experience and gathered his thoughts. Once I told him about overhearing the conversation at the coffee shop, he (in his quick and cut to the chase wisdom) said “It sounds like a short-term gain with a lot of long-term consequences”. (He has a way of cutting straight to the chase and is always willing to do a deeper dive, which is why I value these conversations). We ended up in a layered discussion leading us many places. We visited motivations for behavior, what we learn growing up, what is reinforced through our media and potentially ~ why, what our brains attend to, how we as people navigate relationship based on our early learning and beliefs, and finally we did our own waxing on about how we have lived under untruths and partial truths as a country (during the last administration) and what this has done to our ability to trust and work together.

That is why the conversation and ill-fated advice from the coffee shop, was so disturbing and thought provoking. Lying to create an illusion for personal gain is a destructive behavior that won’t lead to any real connection or safety in relationship, or larger arena. In regard to the women and their conversation, most likely there was no carefully crafted lie. Just poor advice (reinforced through time and messages ~more likely than not) from a place (that without further reflection) may have seemed like care or at a minimum support for a friend in pain. (A problem in reality). Much like the songs that Tillis’ in her day and Bey in her on-going day belted and belt out. There is a place for it, a market, if you will. That market is our emotions.

As we meandered through our conversation, finishing our cups, we talked about what has aptly been termed the big lie. The purposefully crafted lie Trump and his administration created to project a distracting illusion leading our country to its current destructive divide. L, noting, “there have been untruths upon untruths piled on. A mirage has been created and to find the truth we would have to wade through all the layers of deceit and lies”. And, even if we do there will always be those who need or want to believe what has been crafted and those who will not question (just respond).

If you tell someone a lie they will respond to that lie in some way. The truth between you gets murkier and murkier. This is true even when the dishonesty may seem innocent, at least on the surface. I tend to believe any dishonesty is self-serving in some way. I would think the one caveat is regarding safety. i.e., teaching children refusal and safety skills. (If they are home alone; We often instruct our children to self-protect by using statements such as “my parents are home or my parents are expecting me home”, etc.) Genuine safety needs trump truth in these occurrences.

In regard to personal relationships, the truth is always the best option. If we are dishonest, anything the person does in response is based on that dishonesty. There inevitably will be a lot to untangle. This said, there isn’t a guarantee being honest will get you what you believe you want. One of the deepest truths (in relationship) is even when we are truly clear in our thinking and show up honestly (genuinely knowing what we feel and directly asking for what we need or want) the other person may not be in this place. He or she may not be able to respond from a place of clarity and may respond from defense. Reflecting, on the coffee shop conversation, the young woman could choose (and maybe did) to tell the other person how she feels and ask that her needs be met. It isn’t a guarantee that the other person will understand or meet her needs. But it is more likely she won’t spend time sorting out the many layered problems that can occur from dishonesty and purposefully creating illusion to gain a desired response. Making others feel insecure, or less than will cause a response of some type. It might lead to (as Tillis implies) more attention, maybe even getting a ring on your finger. It is not likely to promote longevity of healthy relationship, trust, connection, or working together. It is likely to create longer-term issues.

In truth, lying with the goal of crafting a potential response is destined for pain. It is important that we notice and accept what we feel, pause to reflect, identify factual information, perspective take, plan based on this information, and genuinely cope with our emotions. The ability to engage in this self-reflective process is modeled and encouraged in our primary relationships and has long-term life consequences. Learning to identify and manage emotions (even those undesirable emotions such as jealousy) helps us to understand ourselves and others. It lays the foundation for empathy, builds reciprocity, accountability, perspective taking, and trust in relationship.

This leads me back to our current national reality. We did see (and continue to see) the impact of lying and attempting to craft reality during the Trump years. There has been a capitalization on emotion leaving people fearful and responding to that fear. The divide left in our country is multi layered, containing within it (the divide) competing interest, distrust, and ongoing difficulty in collaborative forward movement. We are stuck in a seemingly unending loop (of stirred emotion and sorting lies) largely due to self-interest and disregard for truth or greater good. As my husband, so aptly stated “a short-term gain with a lot of longer-term consequences”. So many of them (the consequences) yet to be seen.

Clearly stated, lying to create an illusion for personal gain is a destructive behavior that won’t lead to any real connection or safety in relationship, community, nation or larger world. Self-reflection, emotional intelligence, and critical thinking skills are needed to navigate each of these arenas.

As always, I hope you found something that resonates. I welcome your thoughts, insights, and comments.

Deepest respect and care, LaDonna

Note: See resources section for child and adult resources on identifying and managing emotions. There are many to choose from, a few are offered here.

Copyright Protected Material: © 2014 ~ 2021 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted,; it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

National Hotlines:  Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-825

Photo: Image found on Pixaby

Resources:

Aguirre, Blaise MD.and Galen, Gilleina, PsyD. DBT for Dummies. https://www.amazon.com/DBT-Dummies-Gillian-Galen/dp/1119730120

Cain, Janan~ The Way I Feel. Children’s Book~UTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITPUxVQ6UIk

Feelings Wheel: TeachersPay.Comhttps://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Feelings-Wheel-Printable-with-Coloring-Activity-Emotional-Learning-Tool-5487498

Krueger, David. MD. What is a Feeling. Link to Resource https://www.amazon.com/What-Feeling-Lets-About-Feelings/dp/0943990750

Stafford, Shiela~The Wolf Who Learned Self Control. UTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLUGycJSS-Q

Beyonce’ All The Single Ladies~Utube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ75jGcGgPU

Saturday Night Live Skit: Single Ladies ~Daily Motion https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x25sj6

Tillis, Pam: Shake The Sugar Tree. Lyrics ~ UTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69S5gYRxo6k

Image found on Pixaby

63 thoughts on ““Shake the Sugar Tree”, Creating Illusion for Personal Gain.”

  1. Very interesting topic. I’ve seen this online in relation to going “no contact” with an ex who’s been labelled as a “narcissist.” This kind of thing has caught my eye because these articles don’t seem to be about setting boundaries for self-protection; no contact is deemed to “work” when the ex tries to get the person back. Honest, clear communication may not be the easiest way in the short term, but it’s certainly the most effective in the long term.

    Liked by 6 people

    Reply

  2. I like how you skillfully wove all of these things together LaDonna. Ultimately, it is the same issue, whether it’s the “relationship” we create with our president or the relationship we craft in our personal lives. Truth, authenticity, and honesty are necessary.

    Liked by 6 people

    Reply

  3. Very good information, well-written and relatable. ❤ I have always felt that the other person is free to go. I want to be free to honestly give and receive love, and I want to be with someone who is there because they choose to be, not because they are being manipulated. Jealousy has no place in that scenario. 🙂 Have a great day, LaDonna!

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

  4. This takes me back to my own behaviors as a young woman in believing that “that jealousy thing” was the answer when in fact it was not. As you stated, it only leads to more hurt and distrust. The last paragraph of your blog, love it. I feel I live by this in life, though have not always, just happy I do today.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you for this comment and for sharing your experience. I think as we grow, and have more experiences, we gain a better ability to reflect. I think your experience mirrors that of many. I am happy you do today too.♥️

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  5. I’d never thought of that relationship method like this before but it makes a lot of sense. It can actually be quite mean and deceptive to make another feel ‘less than’ or ‘fearful’ – especially the one that you love. I agree with L: it just seems like a short-term gain with a lot of long-term consequences.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  6. Oh boy! 🤣 This brings back memories of interesting personalities in my younger dating life and “friendships” I’ve had. I think the word “toxic” was coined to described these kind of relationships and individuals. Steer clear with a big yellow caution sign for sure; just a big sick of your energy. 😊 The connection with the ex President and the antics of his followers is perfectly apt as well! Thankfully as we get older, it’s easier to steer clear and walk away if needed.

    Hope you are doing well and enjoying your summer!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  7. Insecurity can make you do some things you never thought you’d do LaDonna. Love what you said:

    “if we manufacture scenarios to create a feeling of being less than in another, we could get a whole host of undesirable responses. And might be better served looking at and processing why we are hurting. Or, why we might believe stirring jealousy seems an option at all.”

    Relationships can be complicated already, and we have to be aware of the reality that we don’t need to complicate things any further. I too have gotten such advice, and when I tried to act on that advice, I was exhausted! You have to ask yourself whether the situation or relationship is truly worth the effort… dealing with the long-term consequences. 🤔

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  8. Your posts always resonate with me LaDonna. I appreciate this topic very much, as I grew up in a household that was bereft of healthy emotional processing, which I know I’ve written about in comments on some of your other posts. I think it is likely that when people choose emotional manipulation, they do so because they’ve not been taught how to process emotions, nor how to talk about them in healthy ways. I see it all the time; and, am good at seeing it, as it is a reflection of how I once dealt with my emotions. In fact, I think part of the countries struggles today, which will also be a part of future challenges, I think, is that many, many people in this country are socialized to withdraw from their emotions, to cover them up, and to manipulate conversational contexts to ensure they feel safe from other people’s emotional manipulation. Not because these caretakers wanted to teach their children such behaviors, rather, because that is all they themselves knew, and their parents before them. As always, I love reading your work, which is always relevant, well-written, deeply reflective and contemplative, and much fun to ponder.❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Jeff, Thank you for your reflective and thoughtful response to this article. I am very glad that you found something to ponder here. 💗 (It is one of my favorite things to do.) I agree with your insights and genuinely appreciate you sharing your experience. The ability to regulate emotions and building reflective capacity do begin in childhood and I, too, believe that most parents do not intentionally miss these opportunities with their children. It is all so foundational to their own histories. I think many of us, if we take an honest look, have missed places that as we (do the work to ) make conscious we change for ourselves and our children truly impacting future generations. It is hard work and I wish more would take venture this path. It truly would make an incredible difference.

      I genuinely enjoy your work too and hear the deep empathy, and deeper level reflection in your writing. 💗💗

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. You’re most welcome, LaDonna. Always. Indeed, I completely agree with you that as we begin the reflective process as human beings, we open up greater capacity, and the possibility for our children and others do venture down these most important roads with us. A beautiful experience.

    I am so pleased to know that you can read deep empathy, and deeper level reflective thinking in my writing, thank you, my friend, that means the world to me. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  10. I cannot help and think how trust and respect goes hand in hand. Trust is defined as to have confidence, faith or hope, reliability and truth in someone or something. By telling the truth, no matter what it may be, confers the feeling of respect. I did enjoy reading your post, great post and thought provoking! Take care ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

  11. Oh, yes, I remember being a super-jealous teen and 20-something, and using unwise, deceitful ways to get what I wanted. Back then, I’m sorry to say, I could have been one of the ladies in that coffee shop dispensing hurtful advice. I’m grateful that as I’ve aged, my mindset has matured. Great post as always, La Donna. I, too, appreciate the way you incorporated thoughts on the muck left behind by the Trump administration. Blessings to you, my friend! 🌞

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you Lisa💗. I appreciate your sharing and think many of us before growing up would have found ourselves thinking this way. That’s the nice thing about growing up, we can grow wiser. Have the best evening and rest of your week. 💗💗

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  12. Your posts are always intriguing and raises questions that needs attention. The society we live in and the milieu that we are evolving is scary to say the least. I think making someone jealous is inward looking selfish construe, for if a person is leaving you for someone else and you trying to gain his/her attention through such devious way, it is at the end not worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  14. Your post has pre-empted a draft that I was preparing about lying and its consequences. It started out with an immature conversation between some young women in a coffee shop and became something much deeper. Excellent writing. My husband and I love people watching at coffee shops, too.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

      2. I agree, it is extremely hard to witness – what seems like a moral decline or unearthing of this behavior. I can’t wait to read your post. And, on a side note I hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead 💗.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Since I am a retired psychologist, my two cents worth of advise is that stirring up jealousy for the sake of of attention is a manipulative tool. Why not be honest and say, “I need some attention, otherwise what is between us, is history… “

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  17. A great post! Reminds me of the saying “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” Seems L was right short term gain with long term consequences. That kind of wisdom only comes with experience with those ladies still have to learn.
    Dwight
    Oh, I remember Pam’s Shake the Surgar Tree song… it was one of my favorites! LOL

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  18. It is a great post about how to deal with jealousy. I myself have experienced similar situations. it will be very bad if one falls into the trap dug up by a manipulative person.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  20. Great post LaDonna! I don’t understand why some people default to manipulative behavior when all that is required is a direct and truthful discussion. I personally prefer that someone would just tell me, “Hey what’s up? I could really appreciate it if you gave me more attention.” Which would spark more discussion. I have to admit that even though I consider myself empathic, I believe women are much more intuitive, and hey gals, please just tell me what you want and need. I’ll listen. I’ll respond. And if I love you, I’ll step up to the plate. You only have to tell me once. No need to fabricate falsehoods thinking that will have a desired outcome. It might all blow up in your face

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  22. Humans have enough jealousy and pain without creating more.
    I am relaying a message from ShiraDest wrt a comment you kindly left on Day 57 of GED lessons, but to which the email for that blog is apparently gone:

    “Many thanks for your kind comment, “It is such a valid point that resources need verification of who funded them. Its very telling and very solid advice. Thank you, as always for your insights and wisdom”
    LaDonna

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  23. I keep thinking about past times in my life–and the lives of others I know–where this kind of flippant off-the-cuff advice was offered, both by myself and others. Now it feels so much more to the point to just be there with the person (or myself) processing the emotion. To try and remember to honor all parties. A tall order, but one that feels good.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s