Attachment & Relationship, Grief & Loss

Quiet Heroes

There has been a well of emotions, for all of us, as we have adjusted to life in response to the Pandemic. Coping has taken on a new meaning for many and I would imagine, for those of us who write, we write more to both express and manage the many feelings we have had throughout this process. In early March of this year, here in my corner of the world, we began to shelter in place as the virus began to make its way through our state. So much was unknown and frankly scary. Many, in my immediate area, have not taken the virus seriously. There seems to be many who hold tightly to the politicized messages around mask wearing and social distancing. As we enter December, like much of the country, our case numbers, related social issues, and deaths have risen. We are preparing to navigate the Winter months ahead with the virus still in our midst.

In the beginning, of this adjustment, I found my way back to writing. Today I have chosen to share a writing that was created in response to a prompt found in a class by author Rayne Hall. The prompt was to identify the “quiet heroes” who were helping you through the pandemic. Those that gave you strength. While the quiet heroes of our world, were (and are) our essential workers and medical professionals the assignment was to identify those who brought you personal strength. In those early “scary” days I found my strength in the place I always do. In the roots of my history and the teachings of my father.

My writing follows:

I woke to a gentle conversation. I wasn’t surprised to see him there. Still dark out, the outline of his cap and relaxed posture brought familiarity and comfort. He was there sitting with one leg crossed over the other, the way he always sat when he was waiting. When I reflect on it now, the conversation seemed common-place. As if he had never left. An easy flow, of shared experience that had been in place all along. I heard my own voice ask “what do you do there Dad”? It was asked as if it were a casual and normal part of life to see him sitting there on the corner chair in my room.

He, instead of telling me, seemed to show me. I, without awareness of a transition, felt myself flying over mountains and beautiful streams. It was as if I were behind the eyes of the most treasured bird, feeling a part of everything, safe and finding freedom in flight. Dipping with the sway of my body as it swooped and peaked over trees and rivers, I felt his strong and gentle presence with me but (more so) all around me. No further words were exchanged. They were more felt. I have missed him. Thinking of him often, in the days since the virus made its way here. The days since quarantine began. I have wanted so badly to talk with him. To hear his thoughts and his reassuring words. Words delivered in his low, patient, and steady speech. Speech that always beckoned me to listen. Even when I was in trouble; his words reassured me that the consequence was there for me to learn.

He is the most honorable person I have known. And it is his presence (in the roots of my youth, depth of my memory, and my spiritual connection to him) that allows me the strength to manage this situation. I don’t know if he was there in spirit or only in the mind of a daughter deeply in need of his comfort. What I woke remembering was his example in life, his teaching, and his expectation that when hardship comes – you meet the challenge. Further you meet it with without complaint, with kindness, hard work, and selflessness.

When I think of him, finding my comfort through this time, he is (as he was in life) gentle in presence, unassuming yet noticeable in that non-assumption, highly protective, and driven to do the right thing. His presence is with me and leads me (through the teachings of my foundation) to do the right thing in all things I do and to do them for the sake of doing them. If he were physically here, he would tell me “it’s going to be alright – we’ll figure it out”. He would have said that with so much assuredness that I would have believed him.

His true goodness came in his acceptance of others and his deep love for his family. He made you feel important to him, and that was a very coveted place to be. Last week I posted a photo collage of him on Facebook. I had never done that before, and this was in response to a post by my cousin inviting this. She lives in the South where I spent my early years, and much of dad’s family (those connected to his 10 siblings) still live. The comments on the post by almost every person made some mention of how much they loved him, how kind and gentle he was, and how special he always made them feel. That was his gift. He was welcoming and kind, patient beyond measure, strong and capable, and always willing to help. He never asked for favors in return. He didn’t keep track. It was part of who he was and a part of the expectation of his children (all 5 of us). He believed if you could help-you do help. You “look out for others” and “never do another man a dirty turn”. (I think that’s a statement from his growing in the South).

Most day’s dad wore a cap and coveralls as he navigated the workload of farming. On special days he wore his white button up shirt, cowboy boots and hat. He was handsome in that southern cowboy kind of way, often likened to a young Burt Reynolds or James Garner in their western movie roles. His hat and boots were always kept in a special box in the closet. We knew, when he wore them there was some important place, he and mom were going. As a young bride, he “gave me away” in that hat. I have a photo of him, and I, that I treasure from that day. That one wasn’t shared on Facebook. It is mine and my memory to hold sacred.

My aunt (his sister) always said, “your daddy looks like a movie star, but you wouldn’t think he knows that ~ that’s what makes him so handsome”. Dad was always a gentleman and humble in nature. He would not have focused there. His values lay in the love of his family, working his land, (an “honest days work”), always “doing the right thing” (even when it is uncomfortable) and treating people with the dignity and respect that is inherent in being human. These are the values he embodied and those teachings I hold near.

Dad passed away in March of 2001 from pancreatic cancer. It was a painful and difficult process. His strength and incredible will were present throughout the 8 months from diagnosis to his passing. He never allowed anyone, other than mom, to wait on him or help him “wash up”. In some way, unknown to me, he always got himself up to take care of his personal needs. He was much too private to have allowed this help. In the days before he passed, he was unable to speak. I remember sitting on the edge of his bed side, holding his hand, and getting as close as I possibly could without disturbing him. He, with what seemed every ounce of life within, raised himself to kiss me on the cheek. I will never forget that moment. I know my mom has moments like this and I imagine all my siblings, and all the grandchildren, have a special moment with him. He made it a priority, throughout his entire life, to make sure you knew your value to him.

As I go back a moment, to my dream, I realize I haven’t dreamt of him in this tangible way since 2002. It was another unsettling time. Our country was still in the aftermath of “9/11”, and much like now there were many unknowns. Fear was the driving force of life around us. Again, during sleep I had awoken. I “woke” without effort to see him. The clear outline of his cowboy hat was there. (It makes me smile now to remember this). I could clearly see his strong frame, in silhouette, as he stood looking out my bedroom window. I was struck by the way he was standing. His hand was on the upper portion of the windowsill and he bent slightly to peer out the window. It made me feel he had been there a long while, protectively keeping watch while I slept.

I don’t have a hero who is walking in physical form with me. Mine is with me -in whatever way this is. And I am more at ease because of his presence.

In closing, I hope as this process around the pandemic unfolds (with possible improvements ahead) that you have or find places of comfort and strength. If you are inclined to share, I would like to hear your thoughts and where you find this in your own experience.

Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

Photo: Found on Pixabay

57 thoughts on “Quiet Heroes”

  2. My dear sister, this is beautifully written. Our father was a rare treasure and we were so lucky to be led by such a great man. I cried tears of sadness as I read your words this morning but not only due to missing him but at your expression, you painted him perfectly and your love and our family’s love for him. I remember in the early days of his passing how I longed to discuss the happenings in our world and my achievements. I to this day often ask mom “what would dad have thought about this”, she always seems to know the answer.

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    1. I love this reply Lisa. He was a “rare treasure”. It would be wonderful to talk with him about all that is happening. Mom does know him well💗. I’m sending you lots of love today. Thank you for always reading and sharing your thoughts. It means a lot to me (as do you). 💗💕

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  6. Beautifully written , he was so very proud if you ! You have truly describe him as the man he was . Thank you for sending it to me. I am very proud of you and love you very much ❤

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  7. That was such a meaningful and thoughtful tribute to your father, LaDonna. Touched me deeply. I lost my dad last year. It is hard. I miss him greatly.

    There are so many people in my life that help me stand, that are there for me. And, I love them all. Have a lovely week.❤️

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    1. Thank you Jeff♥️. Your kind words mean a lot. I am very sorry for the loss of your father. It is very hard ♥️. I’m glad you have many people to love. This makes a good difference in life. It makes it all the sweeter. I hope you have a lovely week ahead too.

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      1. You’re welcome, LaDonna. Always my pleasure.❤️Yes, love is so important, and having those around us we love, even when separated by distance, is so important; and, yes, does make life sweeter, doesn’t it. Lovely. Be well.❤️

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  8. What awesome memories you have of your dad and really wonderful that he appears to you in your dream with inspirational wisdom and all in a time most needed. I don’t know you personally but from what I have read in your blogs I see you in your description of your dad, you describe him as kind and gentle and how special he always made everyone feel. A gift that he for sure passed onto you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful and uplifting gifts.

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    1. ♥️ Thank you, I hold this as the deepest compliment . I genuinely appreciate what you have said and thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and the many insights you share. Have a wonderful Monday- you have made mine all the better.

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  9. I love this post and I loved the man you write about (being your sister and all 😉 Quiet Hero is such a ‘right’ title for this and I felt Dad’s presence in every word you wrote. Thank you for sharing this and I hope it helps others reflect on the heroes in their own lives. You have always been that person for me and I thank you with deep sincerity. You are one of a kind. This year really has been tough for us all. There is so much uncertainty and so much going on in our country that doesn’t feel ok on any level. Connection to those that help us feel safer in the world really goes a long way. If I were to guess, I’d say your dream was more than a dream and that’s such a beautiful thing. Peace & Blessing always Sister.

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  10. Beautifully written. Your dad is a true gentlemen and embraced the synergy of family. I can tell he was a man of his word and believed hard work and determination. I know he appreciated you has a daughter and would be proud of you now

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  12. As someone who dreams deeply and often of people I can appreciate how real this felt. How his presence settled your mind and how it felt normal to see him. Just like with your dream after 9/11.
    Your father was a special man – it’s obvious from your writing and the responses to your post from family that he was deeply loved. Your writing brings him to life for the reader. Take care and stay safe.

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  15. This is a beautiful post. Your memory of your dad is so touching and vivid and it’s wonderful that you draw upon his memory to give you strength during these challenging times.

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  16. I loved reading this as it reminds me of my own Father. He passed in 2009. Still miss him every day. I love it whenever I have dreams of him. It’s like another chance to be with him. Pleasant thoughts and dreams to you this Christmas 🎄

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  19. Thank you for sharing this, LaDonna. Reading this made me feel a surge of gratitude towards my own parents.
    It’s inspiring how you draw strength from your father’s memories. Your writing is beautiful and I can’t imagine a better tribute to a father.
    Hope you are doing well.

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  22. My Dad passed away six months before your Dad. His name was Richard and he was my hero. There is no greater gift in the world than to have been raised by a good man, one who deeply values you, and validates your existence with inexplicable love. The words you used to portray your father are potent and beautiful. I recently saw my Dad at a train terminal, life is terminal is the title of this blog, he came to me after my sister’s husband died unexpectedly, he wanted to remind me who I was. Extraordinary post LaDonna, thank you for sharing, C

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    1. I so appreciate what you have said and shared here🤍. It sounds like you had a pretty wonderful dad too. It is truly a special bond and I too believe it doesn’t end.🤍. I’m glad he still guides you 🤍🤍

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  24. This is beautiful.

    My strength, I am learning, is from within, as are my fears and doubts. But I dream of my mother as well as she quietly sits near me, something that couldn’t happen in the months leading up to her death. I take comfort in knowing she is always there, even when I don’t dream, loving me as she always has, and me loving her as I always have. I cannot hug her, but I can feel her. She too is a silent hero. For me.

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  26. What a blessing to have such a man to teach, love, and help guide your life! And what a lovely tribute to his memory you have written, LaDonna. This post is a year old. I wish we could say we’re doing better with the whole covid conversation. 🌞

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    1. Thank you for your lovely compliment Lisa. My dad was truly a wonderful father and person. ❤ I do hear what you are saying regarding the pandemic, and agree. Sending you lots of care and hopes that you and yours are and stay safe and healthy❤.

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