This morning, I am reflecting on a conversation I recently had with an undergraduate student who is on her journey toward becoming a therapist. Like many of my colleagues, I was glad to make time for this interview and feel a deep desire to support others entering the field of psychology.

The student, as I shared with her, held a thoughtful blend of intellect and intuition; qualities grounded in deep compassion and a genuine desire to understand. She is on her path toward becoming the therapist she hopes to be, and I have no doubt she will offer meaningful connection to those she will one day support.

As I considered her questions and wove in some of my own, I could see her eagerness, not only to do well on her assignment, but to truly learn. She later shared that she did well, which did not surprise me. After meeting and speaking with her, I had no doubt this would be the case. She asked thoughtful questions about why I chose this field, what I have learned along the way, advice for beginning therapists, and what continues to keep me in this work.

This experience naturally led me into deeper reflection, and to this writing. I often find myself returning to the idea of becoming, and to the experiences that shape the evolving story of self. In many ways, this is the work of therapy; the process of discovering who you are at your core. Not only what has impacted you, or the experiences you were fortunate or unfortunate to have had, but what you came to believe about yourself and others through those experiences (Rogers, 1961; McAdams, 2001).

Because, in truth, we are never only one facet of self. We are shaped by many experiences, and we carry more than any single story can hold.

Many of the individuals I sit with are survivors of trauma and have spent a lifetime navigating its impact. They are not their trauma, nor are they defined by the protective responses that helped them endure it. Multiple truths can exist at once. (You can be strong and still impacted. You can be capable and still carry pain).

A person may have experienced trauma and responded by fighting, fleeing, freezing, or striving to please (or some combination over time) as part of their survival (Herman, 1992; van der Kolk, 2014).

Others may not have experienced direct or acute trauma but have lived through something many of us feel in less overt ways; a pattern of experiences known as attachment wounding. These are the experiences of having need(s) consistently unmet over time. Needs for belonging, nurturing, autonomy, joy, curiosity, or accountability, among others. (Often, this doesn’t feel like something dramatic, it feels like something missing. Something that can’t always be named without support).

In those absences, beliefs begin to form about our worth, our rightful place, and what we can expect from others (Bowlby, 1988; Siegel, 2012).

Both attachment wounds and more direct experiences of trauma shape the way we see ourselves and the world around us. They influence our sense of safety and, in turn, how we show up in relationships with others and with ourselves.(As do our positive and protective experiences.)

Awareness itself can be a turning point. Sometimes it begins as a small noticing, something that doesn’t quite fit, or something that suddenly makes sense.

Not in a way that demands immediate change, but in a way that begins to create space. Space to notice. Space to question. Space to gently consider what has been carried forward, and whether it still needs to be held in the same way.

This is not only the work of being a therapist, but of being human. And it is work that often happens slowly, and without witness.

As you read this, you might pause and consider your own becoming. Not as a final version of yourself, but in the quiet, ongoing ways your life has shaped you. The experiences that have built you. The ones that have softened you. The ones that may still feel unresolved or tender. (What have they asked of you? What have they made possible within you?)

As you consider these questions, perhaps there is also space for compassion for the parts of you that learned, adapted, and responded in the only ways they knew how at the time (Neff, 2011).

Because so much of what we carry was not consciously chosen but formed in moments when we were simply trying to find our way, it becomes part of our human journey to gently come to understand ourselves. To look back, and to move forward, through the lens of compassion.

Not to excuse what has been painful, but to begin to understand how it came to be held. For ourselves, and, when appropriate and when the time is right, for others.

This process of becoming was what I was witnessing so beautifully in my conversation with the student; both her desire to be a therapist and her willingness to step into the deeper work of this overall process.

A process that is not reserved for this field alone, but one we are all, in our own ways, moving through.

Whatever your journey has been, and wherever you find yourself within it, there is something meaningful in the ways you have continued to show up, to adapt, and to become.

This will remain true through time.

As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.

Photo: Pixabay

Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed, it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

Resources and References:

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100–122. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspac