The holiday season is often heralded as the most magical time of year. We’re told it’s when families gather effortlessly, traditions unfold beautifully, and warmth and belonging are practically guaranteed. And those moments can absolutely exist. Many of us have beautiful memories and hopes that rise each year in search of building deeper connection.

Yet the picture-perfect version of the holidays (the one we’ve been conditioned to anticipate) rarely aligns neatly with real life. In truth, we can hold the desire for magic and the truth of our own circumstances simultaneously. These two realities often sit quietly beside each. In many circumstances, this duality can create tension we may not know how to name. During this time of year, I find myself supporting many clients in navigating exactly this space: the weight of expectation, the ache of comparison, and the sting of unmet needs, especially within family systems that don’t suddenly transform simply because the month of December has arrived.

So much of this tension comes from the expectations we absorbed long before adulthood. Cultural narratives, from movies and commercials to nostalgic storytelling, seem to promise us harmony, closeness, and emotional ease. Families add their own unwritten rules: “keep the peace, show up cheerfully, maintain tradition, don’t disappoint anyone”. And beneath all of that, our nervous system clings to the familiarity of these rituals, even when they may no longer reflect our current reality. When life shifts, relationships change, or old hurts resurface, our internal script often struggles to keep up.

This mix of influences creates an emotional landscape that can feel surprisingly complex. Many find that joy and grief arrive side by side. Beautiful moments coexist with painful reminders of what was lost, what never was, or what feels fragile now. There’s also an unspoken pressure to perform, to show up with happiness, to smile through discomfort or strain so others feel at ease. When the internal and external experiences don’t match, a quiet shame can settle in, leaving one wondering why they aren’t feeling what they believe they are supposed to feel or what they may perceive everyone else feels.

For some the complexity deepens even further when trauma has shaped the family system itself. Families impacted by trauma, (whether through loss, addiction, neglect, abuse, emotional or physical illness, estrangement, or years of emotional or attachment wounding), often struggle to offer the warmth or predictability that holiday narratives promise. These systems may carry fractures that don’t close simply because the calendar shifts. In truth, he holidays can highlight the very places where safety was interrupted or connection was inconsistent. Individuals with these experiences often move through the season with a careful vigilance, continually assessing how to stay emotionally steady while still craving some version of belonging. Naming this reality matters. It honors the strength it takes to move through a season built around togetherness when “together” has not always felt safe.

Often family roles resurface, without warning. Even those with a strong sense of self can feel pulled toward old emotional territory when sitting beside those who first shaped them. The holidays do not erase unresolved wounds and sadly can illuminate them.

One of the most supportive steps we can take is simply naming the expectations we carry into the season. When we recognize which ones were inherited, which were learned, and which still genuinely fit, we regain agency. We can soften our internal grip on the “shoulds” and ask ourselves what we actually want, what feels supportive, and what no longer brings peace. The holidays can then shift from something we must perform perfectly to something we can approach intentionally and gently.

With this awareness, it becomes easier to allow the full range of emotions the season brings. You can love your family and feel overwhelmed by them. You can long for connection and still need boundaries. You can feel grateful and disappointed in the same breath. None of this is a contradiction; it is duality and challenges the capacity to hold multiple truths.

The work, if you will, becomes reclaiming the season with clarity and purpose. That might mean shifting from perfection to intention, focusing less on everything being “right” and more on what feels grounding or meaningful. It may involve supporting your nervous system with small practices, stepping outside for a few deep breaths before or during a gathering, keeping a grounding object in your pocket, creating a quiet ritual at the end of the day, or any number of soothing practices. Overall, it can mean, anticipating predictable emotional triggers and meeting them with compassion instead of self-blame or expectation.

Most importantly, it means allowing yourself to experience the season without judgment or comparison. The holidays are not a test of emotional performance, or a measure of how closely your life resembles a cultural script. They are shaped by memory, longing, conditioning, hope, and the real dynamics of our relationships.

If your experience feels layered or complicated, nothing is wrong with you, you’re simply honoring your humanity. So perhaps the gentlest invitation this year is to let the holidays be exactly what they are, rather than what they were supposed to be. And then to ask yourself, with honesty and tenderness. What part of this season do I want to reclaim, revise, or finally let go of?

Overall, I hope your holiday season can be met with your own ease and that you make it what it needs to be for you, while standing in your truth.

As always, I appreciate you reading and I look forward to connecting through your work and mine.

Supportive Resources Follow:

Photo: Pixabay

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Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

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National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspac