This morning, I woke to the lyrics from Jelly Roll’s soulful song LIAR. It wasn’t playing anywhere in my space, but was seemingly on repeat in my brain. Specifically the soul reaching words, “I know you ain’t nothing but a liar. I walk right out the fire. You try to keep me down, Try to put me underground. But, I’m only going higher. I can hear you in my head, in my bed, when I’m dreaming. You try to be my friend but your only blowing smoke. Oh and now, I ain’t scared of telling you where you can go. Cause I know. You ain’t nothing but a liar” (Link to video in resource section of this article)

I could surmise these lyrics were present because I had viewed too many news stories the night before, listened to Jelly Roll’s song too intently on my latest drive along the coast, or maybe it was due to my recent official liberation from longstanding exposure to another’s deceit. Whatever the reason, or combination of, it was there and made me reflect again on the impact of dishonesty and importance of its counterpart honesty.

Lying, is culturally recognized as wrong. Most of us are taught from a young age that honesty is important. This is reinforced by parents, educators, religion, our larger society, and mainstream media. At the very roots of our world and it’s many cultures (in both monotheistic and polytheistic religions and spiritual teachings) the core values of morality, human purpose, and spiritual development are held in highest regard. Dating back to the oldest known religious teachings in Hinduism (1500 BCE and possibly as early as 2500-2000 BCE) personal and social responsibilities were central themes. With this as our spiritual and human foundation, why is lying so prevalent? And, Why is it tolerated and often dismissed?

I think its easy to believe “Its just human behavior”. In truth, lying exist on a continuum from lies meant to spare someone’s feelings to more chronic and harmful lies meant to protect self (and by proxy and sadly even intent) to harm others. The later, thankfully, is not every human’s behavior. Many of us approach life, relationships, and struggles, with honesty. It’s not a stretch to say, those of us who do fare better internally, externally, and likely spiritually.

Through the work of Psychologist, Otto Kernberg we know moral reasoning is a developmental process that evolves across the lifespan. In short synopsis Kernberg’s view of moral development (rooted in psychoanalytic theory) proposes that morality evolves through stages linked to emotional and psychological development. In his model, beginning in early childhood, the foundation of moral behavior emerges from the internalization of parental figures and their values. He further theorized, as individuals mature they move from a primitive (black and white understanding) of good and evil -often driven by fear of punishment or desire for approval-toward a more integrated moral capacity that includes empathy, guilt and concern for others.

Kernberg emphasized that unresolved personality pathologies, especially borderline and narcissistic traits, block or distort this development leading to rigid or deficient moral reasoning. Overall, his work connects moral growth not only cognitive development but also with the capacity for emotional integration and identity formation.

Developmentally children begin to experiment with dishonesty as young as 2-3 years of age, in what we know are impulsive attempts to avoid consequences without an understanding of deception. Between the ages of 4-6 children begin to understand that others have feelings and begin to recognize that lying can impact others. Generally between the ages of 6 and 8, due to growing cognitive, emotional, and social experinces children begin to recognize that lying can hurt trust, is undesirable, and is considered socially or morally wrong.

We further understand, through the combined work of theorists’ such as Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg, Lev Vygotsky, and Victoria Talwar, that a child’s environment, early attachment experinces, and familial, and social experinces support a child’s development in this area.

Overall, we understand that, a developmental process in moral reasoning exists and that early experinces provide a framework for children’s overall moral development. This does not mean one does not understand the difference between what is truth and what is a lie, rather that this understanding and its utilization are shaped by factors beyond normative development. Due to this, by the time, adulthood is achieved (barring genuine harm to areas of the brain that support this development) most have learned the difference between what is truth and what is a lie. There is an understanding that dishonesty harms self and others. If the behavior persist across the life span, it is due to pathology as Kernberg suggested.

The psychological and social impacts of lying are high. For self, the (quote, unquote) liar may carry increased stress, cognitive load, and anxiety. It is hard to imagine a chronic liar could hold a sense of authenticity, or personal integrity. Lying damages relationships due to breaches of trust, can have a ripple effect on those around the liar, and result in a phenomena known as the Liars Paradox. Simply meaning, one has to live with the very consequences of the lies they have created to deceive others. And even, when the liar doesn’t care about others (due to pathological self interest) they are ironically impacted. As we know, based on the power the liar holds (and if they are gifted at deceit they may hold much power) harm to individuals, families, institutions, and larger society will occur.

Dr. Bella DePaulo, social psychologist and researcher, states that lying occurs primarily to manage social relationships. Her research indicates that deception is utilized in the following ways. 1) To avoid punishment or embarrassment. 2) To protect others feelings (so-called White lies). 3) To promote oneself or shape how others see you. 4) To maintain privacy without seeming rude. 5) To avoid conflicts.

It is also important to note, Dr DePaulo’s work emphasizes that most people do engage in dishonesty centered around the avoidance of hurting others, to protect privacy and/or to smooth social interactions. Occasional use of these types of “white lies” are not considered pathological in nature.

Pathological lying is chronic, often appears to serve no obvious purpose, can present as grandiose or fantastical, and generally causes the liar to blur reality and fiction. i.e. they have told the lie so many times they begin to blur these lines themselves. This makes it harder to detect their lies and to separate the truth from the lie (s).

The pathology of lying may, in some cases, be caused by neurological conditions, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, and is most certainly associated with borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders.

No matter the cause it is harmful to the chronic liar themself and to those in relationship with them. Dr De Paulo’s research as well as the work of researchers such as Dr Jennifer Freyd (well known for her research in betrayal trauma) and Dr. Robin Stern (known for work in the areas of gaslighting in intimate relationships) indicate that those exposed to long-term relationships with liars may experience such difficulties as lack of trust in self and others, anxious feelings or vigilance regarding the truth, cognitive dissonance, impaired sense of self, self doubt, depression or numbness, social withdrawal, difficulties with boundaries, and in more serious cases dependence on the abuser (chronic liar), complex post traumatic stress disorder, and/or attachment harm.

The impact on the chronic liar themself, as supported by the work of Dr Stern (who is noted above) and Dr Ramani Durvasula, is varied based on the pathology. Research supports that the impact will include, persistent fear of exposure, relationship breakdown, erosion of empathy, emotional detachment or suppression, dependency on control, a distorted sense of reality, and reinforcement of narcissistic, borderline, or antisocial traits or personality disorder.

For the person exposed there is hope and help. Though it isn’t easy or instantaneous, much can be done to support a return to a trust in self and other, trust in ability to protect themselves, and a sense of emotional safety. Dr Stern and Dr Ramani have provided excellent resources in these areas. These are cited in the resources section of this article.

For the chronic or pathological liar, whose difficulties are most often related to personality disorder especially the narcissist or antisocial individual, recovery or forward movement without pathology is much more difficult. Recovery depends on the degree of insight into self, ability to take accountability, motivation for recovery, and severity of the disorder.

The strange paradox is, that these individuals continue on in life victimizing or attempting to victimize others, all the while cheating themselves of any real connection with self or other. They distort reality utilizing self deception that keeps them from learning from mistakes, keeping them stuck in dysfunctional patterns. Their manipulations, lying, and hurting others for personal gain may bring short term rewards (control, admiration, or even pity) but destroys trust and intimacy. Over time, this can leave them isolated, mistrusted, and certainly unable to form genuine bonds. They are cut off from meaningful emotional experinces that include love, compassion, and mutual respect.

Narcissists, in particular, create an either grandiose or pitiable false self to achieve their goals of (at one end of the continuum) pity to gain access to others through emotion, or grandiosity in attempts to gain admiration and control. The persona they have created craves constant validation, and when reality contradicts this self made image, the person will experience deep insecurity or rage which reinforces their need to manipulate and control. They are left in an endless loop, of continually cheating themselves from ever achieving the validation, respect, or admiration they crave.

As you can see, my waking to Jelly Roll’s lyrics has lead me to think about the overall topic of honesty, deception and its impact on self, other and larger society. The song itself is about the artist’s self deception related to his relationship with addiction and his liberation from it’s hold. For many, including myself, it has become a beautiful anthem in overcoming any personal battle due to its raw honesty, emotional depth, and overall theme of the resilience of self.

There are many related avenues to explore. This article only scratches the surface of this broad and layered topic. Resources are shared for those interested in learning more about this multifaceted subject.

As always, Thank you for reading. I welcome your thoughts and comments and look forward to connecting with you through your writing and mine.

Resources Follow

Photo: Pixabay

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National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspace.com/

Resources:

DePaulo, B.M. (2004) The Lies we tell and the clues we miss. Presenting Deception in Everyday Life. P.A.

DePaulo, B.M. (2018). The Psychology of Lying and Detecting Lies. Bella DePaulo.

Bond, C.F. Jr, and DePaulo, B.M. (2006). Is Anyone Really Good at Detecting Lies? In. M.S. Clark (Ed.). The handbook of social psychology. (pp210-238). Sage Publications.

Kernberg, Otto. (2018). Treatment of Severe Personality Disorders: Resolution of Aggression and Recovery of Eroticism. American Psychiatric Publishing.

Piaget, Jean. (1972) The Psychology of the Child. (B. Inhelder, Trans.) Basic Books

Ramani, Durvasual. PhD. (2024.) It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. The Open Field/Penguin Life.

Stern, R. (2007)The Gaslighting Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.

Vygotsky, Lev (1978) Mind in Society: The Development of Higher Psychological Processes. (M.Cole, V. John-Steiner, S. Scribner and E. Souberman, EDS.) Harvard University Press .

Jelly Roll. (2024, May 1) Liar. (Video). You Tube.