As it is often said, self discovery is a process. When we are in struggle we can understandably forget that we are in the process of becoming. And who we become is highly dependent on the choices we make along our journey.

Spiritual teachings guide us to embrace and accept the reality of the difficulty. Though this isn’t easy, it is true that if we accept that the struggle is occurring and work to seek its teaching we can emerge with a new understanding of ourselves, and others. We will know truths that were once hidden and find strengths we may not have realized were as prominent as they actually are.

I imagine each of you, as is true for me, have had periods in life that were challenging. Periods in which it was hard to understand the “why” of something. I have found having some understanding of why is helpful, as is the way we ask this question. While It’s hard to understand the reasons behind loss and unanticipated change; these are generally the circumstances that bring us to ask deeper questions.

It is difficult when life presents a loss or change, and harder yet when it was not anticipated. This said, there is such beauty in finding you. The you -you are -after the struggle. And, because I witness the human spirit in process each and every day in my work (and personal relationships) I hold great faith that with the correct lens one can not only weather these stormy periods but come through them with the learning that was needed and that is needed to venture the next place in your journey.

Maybe this seems to optimistic or Pollyannaish. But in truth, having a belief system that holds that there is learning (even growth) in our struggles helps us navigate difficult periods in life. This doesn’t mean that the painful experience was warranted, that you condone another’s actions, that you should pretend it isn’t painful, or that you caused it to increase your learning. It means you accept that the circumstance occurred and that you aren’t willing to be victimized by it.

Many spiritual teachings support the ideology that our beliefs and actions in each and every moment is important. Further, some teachings hold, through our beliefs and actions we may have drawn the experience to us. Again, this doesn’t mean we caused the circumstance. It means we participated in some way for our own and others’ growth. I.e., Painful loss related to the passing of someone we love ~doesn’t mean we participated in the loss. But it always invites us to examine the way we love. Loss to betrayal may invite us to listen to our internal warning system and to better protect ourselves in the future. There are many examples one could explore. Regardless of the circumstance; the experience of navigating painful situations in the aftermath is laden with questions and again invitations to explore the deeper regions of ourselves.

There are many components to self-exploration and many ways to frame the learning that can occur. Again, it isn’t easy and isn’t expected to be. The pain is real and needs acknowledgement. Denial won’t support growth or acceptance. Acknowledgement of our pain can take many forms and is unique to each of us. There is no right or wrong way, barring self or other harm.

This, I believe, is where exploring the “Why” in terms of asking why we may have experienced this regarding our own learning is both empowering and essential. Often we ask “why did this happen to me” as apposed to “why has this been presented in my life” and “what am I to know due to this circumstance. There is always so much available to us when we can navigate change, loss, or unwanted circumstances in this way.

It is important to recognize that each and every unintended circumstance presents to us something we do not want. This is turn magnifies a desire or something we do want. This is the duality of experience and our lives are filled with these moments, both small and large. These are the moments we might ask why this is presented to us or, as sometimes true, why is this presented again.

In the experience of loss to death, as noted above, we are always invited to explore the way in which we love. We do not want the loss and want our person back. Of course, we cant have this. But we can examine ourselves and the questions that linger after. If we felt we loved them well and showed up, that is wonderful. We know, that within us is the capacity to love. If we are left feeling we could have loved and showed up better, we can do the brave work of looking at the places within us that might make this difficult.

In the example of loss to another’s actions or behaviors, we most likely did not want that loss. We are shown what we don’t want which, as noted, shows us what we do want. While it’s tempting to spend the bulk of ones time asking why the person (whether friend, partner, family member, business colleague, etc.) engaged in the betrayal ~ our time is better spent in exploring the parts of ourselves that participated in some way. There are many reasons one unknowingly, or sometimes knowingly, does this.

In each of these situations, deeper questions are indicated. It is in seeking these answers that allow, not only weathering or surviving the circumstance, but growing beyond the difficulty. Once you have this understanding of you, it will always be yours and will assist you well on your continued journey.

The invitation is always there for us. After the initial shock of anything unwanted; pain will exist as will our capacity for deeper exploration.

There are some beautiful writings and work in these areas. Among these are David Kessler’s book Finding Meaning, The Sixth Stage of Grief, and Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey’s book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma Resilience, and Healing. In addition, more spiritual works such as After the Ecstasy the Laundry, How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path, by Jack Kornfield and Don Miguel Ruiz’s and Janet Mills work, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.

As always, Thank you for reading. I welcome your thoughts and comments and look forward to connecting with you through your writing and mine.

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Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

Resources:

Kessler, David. 2020. Finding Meaning: the Sixth Stage of Grief. Tools for Releasing Pain and Remembering Love. Rider Publishers.

Kornfield, Jack. 2000. After the Ecstasy the Laundry, How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path. Bantam Books. New York. Toronto. London. Sydney. Auckland.

Perry, Bruce and Winfrey, Oprah. April 2021. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma Resilience, and Healing. Faber and Faber Books.

Ruiz, Don Miguel and Mills, Janet. November 1997. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Random House Publishers