The ability to trust our own judgement and awareness of when to seek guidance is crucial to a sense of security and overall safety.  Having this balance aids us in many ways but most importantly, it provides an internal sense of calm which in turn provides clarity of thought and pathways to problem solving. This is born in our early experiences and reinforced throughout life.

Those who have early experiences of safety and security in all its forms (emotional, physical, social, relational) have better opportunity to develop a sense of trust in self and other. Attachment research indicates that these early experiences are directly linked to life satisfaction and overall safety in relationship.

One of the larger areas of misunderstanding, is the belief that one must have experienced substantial trauma to be left vulnerable to risks.  In truth, both traumatizing circumstances and accumulative experiences of unmet need are foundational reasons one might not trust their own internal guidance or believe it is unsafe to reach out to others.  This vulnerability can lead to lack of protective skills and reactive decision making, in all its forms.

A seeming over dramatization of this matter comes in the form of the fable The Scorpion and the Frog.  A shortened version of this age-old tale follows.

                A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a river. The scorpion asks the frog to carry it across on the frog’s back. The frog, unsure, asks “how do I know you won’t sting me”?  The scorpion says, “because if I do, I will die too”.

                The frog is satisfied with this answer, and they set out to cross the river. Midstream the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and begins to sink. Knowing they will both soon drown, with just enough time to ask, the frog asks “why”.

                The scorpion in its last breath replies, “because it’s my nature” (Aesop’s Fables)

Aesop’s story can be applied in many forms at all levels of society and can lead to fruitful and varied discussion. It’s application in this article is to stimulate thought regarding the importance of self-protective skills that come through trust of one’s own internal guidance and trust that safe others are there to help in times of difficulty.

It is also important to state, that these abilities can be gained through safe experience and opportunities to understand oneself throughout life.

Questions that one might be left with after reading the tale of The Scorpion and The Frog, include Why did the frog trust the scorpion, and not self?  What made the frog vulnerable?  Why didn’t the frog run away from the scorpion, or seek help?

Why did the Scorpion not have its own protective skills?  Why did his “nature” dictate his decision making?  How did this come to be for the scorpion?

These and many more questions can be asked and discussed and are not unlike the questions that are asked in situations of Intimate Partner Violence, including coercive control.

There are countless anecdotal accounts and sobering statistics that speak to the depth, breadth, and impact of this pervasive crime. Impacts that occur at the individual, familial. community, and institutional levels of our society. Further impacts that could lessen if federal, state, and local dollars were allocated to early detection and prevention programs.  

Following are related statistics.

1) In the United States one woman loses her life every 16 hours at the hands of an intimate partner. Of these women 60% to 80% experienced coercive control beyond violence. For perspective, “between the years of 2000-2006, 3200 American Soldiers lost their lives in combat, and 3 times this number of women (in the same period) were killed by their husbands or partner”.  Dr Evan Stark, Forensic Social Worker. Rutgers University

2) “1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men have been victims of severe intimate partner violence, intimate partner contact, sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking, with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, Post traumatic stress disorder, and use of victims services”. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

3) The estimated intimate partner violence lifetime cost is $103,767 per female victim and $23,414 per male victim, or a population economic burden of nearly $3.6 trillion (2014 US$) over victims’ lifetimes, based on 43 million U.S. adults with victimization history. This estimate included $2.1 trillion (59% of total) in medical costs, $1.3 trillion (37%) in lost productivity among victims and perpetrators, $73 billion (2%) in criminal justice activities, and $62 billion (2%) in other costs, including victim property loss or damage. Government sources pay an estimated $1.3 trillion (37%) of the lifetime economic burden. Lifetime Economic Burden of Intimate Partner Violence Among U.S. Adults – PMC (nih.gov)

Some might review these statistics, read the many books available, or view the countless anecdotal stories captured in media crime stories and documentaries; and ask questions like those asked of the characters in Aesop’s fables. Sometimes blame is placed on those victimized and both victims and offenders can become demonized.

In truth this is a preventable social problem. The answer truly does come with investment in our families and children. Early detection, prevention and of course intervention is needed.

As noted, in the beginning sentences of this article; attachment research demonstrates that early experiences are directly linked to life satisfaction and overall safety in relationship. If improved funding was allocated to support the development of early and safe attachment experiences, we would not have the statistics above to site or possibly have basis for a cautionary tale such as The Scorpion and The Frog.

Early relationships dictate the ways in which the brain develops and sets patterns in motion. It is in these early relationships that one has the opportunity to learn (and set in motion) emotional regulation, reciprocity, accountability, and most importantly it is where empathy is formed. These are the important components in trust of both self and other which in turns leads to sound decision making and the ability to decipher safety.

Intimate Partner Violence is but one area in which a regulated central nervous system would prevent harm. While it would take decades to see large results at the societal level, the immediate impact for families and children would occur.

This writer likes to think of children growing in homes with parents who have this inner calm. Those children entering their daycare and primary education with their own inner calm, supported by teachers with that same presentation, and eventually entering college, the workforce, and creating families of their own with this in place.

As always, Thank you for reading. I welcome your thoughts and comments and look forward to connecting with you through your writing and mine.

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Photo: Image found on Pixabay

Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

Resources: (Eric Stark, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

A Guide to Coercive Control. DomesticViolenceShelters.org https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/a-guide-to-coercive-control. Flannery, Shelley. August 4 2021.

Aesop. 2024. Aesop’s Fables. Union Square and Company.

Stark, Evan. 2023. How Men Entrap Women. Interpersonal Violence Series. Oxford Press.

The Lifetime Economic Burden of Intimate Partner Violence Among United States Adults. https://ncadv.org/#:~:text=The%20National%20Coalition%20Against%20Domestic%20Violence%20(NCADV)’s%20mission%20is%20to National Library of Medicine, contributors. Cora Peterson, PhD, Megan C. Kearns, PhD, Wendy LiKamWa McIntosh, MPH, Lianne Fuino Estefan, PhD, MPH,Christina Nicolaidis, MD, MPH, Kathryn E. McCollister, PhD, Amy Gordon, MS, and Curtis Florence, PhD. Aug 22, 2018.