There are currently a series of ads by Progressive Auto Insurance (titled “Passive Progressive”) that caught my, and possibly your, attention. They’re clever and built around characters making passive-aggressive remarks when someone else is saving money. The invitation (or nudge) is “don’t be passive aggressive ” just switch. Be Progressive (Progressive Insurance, 2026.See link in Resources Section).
The ads are attention-grabbing and relatable because they tap into (something many of us recognize) that subtle, hard-to-name (or sometimes hard-to-trust) sting that comes with passive-aggressive communication.
This kind of communication is the indirect expression of negative feelings rather than open communication (American Psychological Association, n.d.; Mayo Clinic Staff, n.d.). It is quietly loud and often difficult to explore with the person using it. It doesn’t announce itself in the easy flow of interaction; it slips in, catches the listener off guard, and leaves them wondering what just happened and often whether they imagined it.
It can feel easy to dismiss ourselves, wondering if we misunderstood, or if we’re being overly sensitive or critical. This can feel easier and more instinctual, in some ways, than turning toward the speaker and asking directly what was meant. In an interesting twist, it can leave us just as indirect in our response or silent altogether.
Therein lies the bind, in indirect communication. We can’t really know whether our reaction is accurate unless we ask. But when we ask an indirect communicator to be direct, the response often circles back into the same pattern of minimizing, denying, or deflecting. (i.e. “Are you upset with me?” “No, I’m fine.” or “Why did you say that to me?” “You’re being too sensitive.”)
Over time, especially in ongoing relationships, this can begin to erode our trust in our own discernment. We start to second-guess what we felt, what we heard, and what we know to be true. When the pattern becomes visible, we may begin to distrust the other person as well. This can leave us feeling stuck in what to do with the relationship itself.
It’s important to note that this kind of communication exists on a continuum. On one end are those who struggle to be direct, often out of discomfort, fear, or learned patterns of avoiding conflict. On the other are those who use indirectness more intentionally. The communication itself can begin to carry an edge which can be subtle but pointed. Most people fall somewhere in between, moving along the spectrum depending on context, history, and how safe it feels to be clear. Overall, research supports that passive-aggressive patterns can function as a way of managing internal conflict while avoiding direct emotional expression (Lim et al., 2022).
For many, these patterns don’t begin in adulthood. When we are raised in families where communication is indirect (or where emotional expression isn’t welcomed or explored) we often carry those patterns forward. Harmony may have been prioritized over honesty. Caregivers may have been dismissive, avoidant, or at times unsafe, making indirectness feel like the safer option.
There are as many variations of this as there are individuals and families. (An exploration for another post).
As adults, if we find ourselves in relationships where interactions leave us feeling poked or barbed – we can begin by paying attention to that. We don’t have to rush to label or demonize the other person’s intention. Instead, we can start by noticing patterns, and how those moments actually feel to us and within us.
We can pause when something feels off or when a comment seems to come out of nowhere and allow ourselves to get curious rather than certain. In doing so, we begin to shift our relationship with discomfort (not as something to dismiss) as something worth listening to. Over time, this becomes a quiet form of honesty with ourselves; one that can support clearer decision-making about how to approach the relationship.
Because conflict avoidance and passive-aggressive communication are often nuanced; gaining clarity requires attention to patterns. Noticing what actually happens (rather than only how it feels) can help us better understand the emotional safety within a relationship and guide our next steps.
One grounded way to build that clarity is through the practice of “fact-based journaling.” This is exactly what it sounds like, and in some ways, can feel like an oxymoron. The method involves recording observable interactions over time. Recording what was said or what occurred without adding interpretation or emotional meaning in that space. Those responses still matter, but they can be explored separately, in a different journal, with a trusted person, or in a therapeutic setting.
Over time, patterns begin to emerge. And when patterns become visible, decision-making often feels less tangled and more grounded.
From there, another layer of discernment becomes important. Questions based on clarity can be asked. (Is this a relationship that can tolerate direct communication? Is it emotionally safe to respond with more clarity? etc.) It’s important to note, fact-based journaling isn’t meant to be shared with the other person. It some situations this isn’t physically or emotionally safe. It is a tool for strengthening our own discernment. The goal is to help us decide if, when, and how we want to engage differently.
There is wisdom in sensing how safe it is to invite the other person into a more direct dialogue. It may be that the person using passive-aggressive communication is not able, or not willing, to hear a clear, direct response. And that, too, is information. It is information about the relationship and about what may or may not be possible within it.
In closing, unlike the Progressive ads that spurred this reflection, in our real-life relationships, passive-aggressive jabs aren’t funny. The words and intentions can be hurtful and they’re worth paying attention to. This helps us discern the emotional safety of our relationships and overall, where they belong in our lives.
As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.
Photo: AI generated.
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Resources and References:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Passive-aggressive. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/passive-aggressive
Lim, Y. O., et al. (2022). The Passive Aggression Scale (PAS): Development and validation. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9405400/
Mayo Clinic Staff. (n.d.). Passive-aggressive behavior: What are the red flags? https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
Progressive Insurance. (2026). Passive Progressive [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGcYhtgVses
This article was developed with the support of AI-assisted editing.
National Hotlines:
The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)
The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org
Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)
The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
Counseling Resources:
ALMA: https://helloalma.com/
Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Talk Space: https://www.talkspac
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