Trauma Recovery

Beyond Forgiveness: Healing From the Wound of Betrayal.

The recovery journey following trauma is often long and complex. It is filled with intricacies that are as individual as the person who experienced the incident (or incidents) and the specific circumstances surrounding their trauma. During the recovery process the betrayal that has been experienced and the layered expectations surrounding forgiveness frequently become central themes.

A substantial body of research suggests that experiences involving interpersonal betrayal are a key contributor to this added complexity. In many cases, the harm occurs at the hands of someone the person knows; often someone they trusted, depended upon, or believed cared for them. When the source of harm is intertwined with a relationship that once felt safe, the emotional and psychological impact can be especially disorienting.

Betrayal carries a particularly deep injury. It often involves, not only the loss of a relationship, but the collapse of what once felt certain and safe. When trust is broken (whether this occurs through hands on victimization, deception, infidelity, emotional manipulation, or cruelty in any form) the betrayed person can begin to question their overall safety in relationship to self, other, and the larger world. It can feel as if there is nowhere to turn.

This bind, combined with the inherent desire for safety and recovery, often leads to the construction of psychological defenses that hold a range of feelings, beliefs, and behavioral responses. These defenses are protective when they initially emerge and support the individual to navigate overwhelming circumstances. Over time, however, they may serve to keep trauma responses in place. Healing often unfolds through compassionate understanding -recognizing that these defenses developed as a normative human response, grieving the many entangled losses attached to the experience, understanding the specific defenses that formed, and gradually allowing new discoveries about one’s strength, worth, and capacity for safety in the world to take shape. In large part, this is the work of healing.

When we consider the impact of trauma, the injury of betrayal that often accompanies it, and the painful and delicate nature of the healing journey, it becomes easier to understand why forgiveness can be such a difficult concept for many survivors. To be clear, most clinicians do not suggest that forgiveness is required for healing. Yet many individuals encounter subtle but powerful messages (through cultural narratives, spiritual teachings, family expectations, or well-intentioned advice) that portray forgiveness as a necessary step toward recovery.

For individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma, these messages can create an additional layer of distress. When forgiveness is framed as a requirement for healing, the survivor may feel pressured to resolve emotions that are still unfolding, or to bypass the legitimate anger, grief, and confusion that accompany betrayal. Healing from trauma often requires time to understand what occurred, to grieve what was lost, and to rebuild a sense of safety and trust. These are processes that cannot be rushed by expectation or ideology.

In many cases, healing is less about absolving the person who caused harm and more about restoring one’s own sense of agency, dignity, and internal stability. For some individuals’ forgiveness may eventually emerge as part of that process; for others it may not. What remains essential is the individual freedom to determine what meaning, boundaries, and direction their healing will take.

Healing from betrayal trauma rarely follows a simple or linear path. The journey is shaped by the unique circumstances of the harm, the meaning attached to the relationship that was lost, and the defenses that once formed to protect the mind and body from overwhelming pain. As individuals move through this process, the work is not to erase what happened or to rush toward a socially preferred outcome, but to gradually restore a sense of safety within oneself and in the world. Through compassionate reflection, grieving what was harmed, and understanding the adaptive responses that once helped them survive, many individuals begin to rediscover their resilience and their capacity for trust. This can occur first within themselves, and eventually, when and where it feels safe, with others.

Within this context, forgiveness (If it appears at all) becomes a personal and deeply individual experience rather than a prescribed step toward healing. For some, it may arise quietly over time; for others, healing may instead take the form of clarity, firm boundaries, and the reclaiming of one’s own voice and worth. What matters most is not adherence to an external expectation, but the freedom to move through recovery in ways that honor the survivor’s lived experience. When this freedom is protected, healing becomes less about meeting an ideology and more about restoring a sense of personal integrity, agency, and the possibility of a life that once again feels whole.

As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.

Photo: Pixabay

Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed, it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

Resources and References:

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

Freyd, J. J., & Birrell, P. J. (2013). Blind to betrayal: Why we fool ourselves we aren’t being fooled. Wiley.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.

Glass, S. P. (2003). Not “just friends”: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. Free Press.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD. (2012). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful (2nd ed.). Harper.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
(Classic trauma text often referenced in betrayal and relational trauma work.)

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
(Useful for readers working through shame and vulnerability after relational injury.)

National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspac

33 thoughts on “Beyond Forgiveness: Healing From the Wound of Betrayal.”

  1. Thank you, this post made me think. In the early days of being bullied at work—and while facing tribunal applications filed against me—I was surrounded by people, including my own bosses, telling me to “let it go” or “ignore it.” What they really wanted was for me to stay quiet, not rock the boat, and avoid giving the toxic tenants any more “ammunition.”

    Even after I left that job and retired from working, my husband was still employed there, which meant I remained tied to that toxic environment for more than two years while we waited for the legal system to process the tenants’ claims.

    During those years, the tenants created seven separate websites dedicated to smearing me and doxxing my personal information. Those sites finally disappeared last year. When the tenants failed to show up for the final hearing and everything was dismissed, my husband and I decided it was time for a clean break. We moved to another province in the early days of the pandemic in 2020.

    I’ve worked hard to recover from the trauma these tenants inflicted over nine long years—both online and off. I’ve rebuilt my sense of safety and reclaimed parts of myself I thought I’d lost. But I still can’t find it within me to forgive them, or the bosses who refused to protect me as their employee. The experience has left me a bit more cynical, but it also taught me to trust my own strength again. Maybe, one day, I will find I can also trust others…

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    1. Stella, thank you for taking the time to share your experience here. What you have described sounds incredibly difficult, particularly the long period of uncertainty and exposure that followed. Situations where people are told to “let it go” while harm is still unfolding can be especially painful, because they often ask the person who was hurt to carry the burden quietly.

      I appreciate your honesty regarding where you are in your healing. As you noted, recovery can involve reclaiming safety, voice, and trust in one’s own strength. Forgiveness is often discussed as though it must be part of that journey, yet for many people healing takes shape in other ways—through boundaries, distance, and rebuilding a sense of self.

      Thank you again for your thoughtful reflection.❤️

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  4. It’s interesting to think of betrayal as a form of trauma in the same way as you would a violent incident. But I can see how viewing it from this lens validates the scars and wounds often resulting from a betrayal, especially from a trusted person. It can feel oh so disorienting.

    Understanding the grief cycle is a great way to think about how one can recover from betrayal trauma. I especially appreciate that you articulate that forgiveness is not a necessary part of healing. Sometimes, as I’ve experienced in my own life, the best way to move on and to find peace is to sever the relationship from your life.

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  5. This resonates deeply with my own experience. For a long time, the expectation to forgive felt like another burden placed on top of the betrayal itself. The Christian religious moral framework I existed within required foregiveness without addressing the underlying root cause or repairing the harm. It was understood obligation to receive affirmation from leaders and the religious community. To not forgive meant that your heart was hardened and therefore you were bitter. Bitterness equated to sinfulness…and thus this was a moral judgement against you.
    But as I moved through the stages of healing, that expectation gradually lost its weight, especially as I deconstructed away from Christianity and its moral framework. Learning and understanding healthy boundaries, advocating for my needs, and walking away from harmful situations has helped immensely in dealing with past trauma.

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  6. Thank you so much for this beautiful post. It has brought light to my own personal self-healing journey in more ways than I expected or thought possible. Healing is a journey no matter what stage we are in or where we are in our life. Sometimes the “layers of the onion” come up in unexpected ways and at unexpected times, even when we think we feel completion in some way. I am forever thankful both that you shared this and that I explored your site. Infinite Blessings, Yvette

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  7. I am in therapy for an abusive childhood and early marriage betrayal from husband at age 79, its never too late. All this happened before I became a believer and I survived it all by burying it deep. Years of anger hidden deep in me that surfaced often toward my husband after finding out there were two children by two different women drove me deeper then anyone should go. My motto was I survived the hell I grew up in so I can survive all this pain. The last six years my health has gotten bad and I think that drove me to a therapist which I wish I had went years ago. Accepting God forgiveness for my sins helped in some ways and not in some ways. Since being in therapy for a couple years I have finally realized better how to help myself for I can only bring myself for therapy. I actually most of the time feel like I am enough and do not need to be a people pleaser. I have stopped trying to please my husband and put myself first which is contrary to most Christian teaching. My dad made us all feel like nothing, being betrayed made me feel like nothing and doing all I could did not fix that feeling. I was just ask the other day how I handled all that feelings and I could honestly say my foundation is now on God loving me and looking to Him for that affirmation and not to my husband or others. It is a process and hard at times for addressing my own frailty was tough. When one is a survivor tough is where we hide. I am not hiding any longer, I am free to be me with all my issues and that brings healing. I loved your post and the truth in it. I can say, I have forgiven because Christ forgave me. There are triggers at times but they are getting less and less not because I have forgot but because I am healing, an on going process. My going home date is getting closer and closer daily and total healing will take place, no triggers in heaven. Betty

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    1. Thank you for sharing part of your journey, Betty. I can hear how you have traveled through these betrayals and the work you have done.

      I am very glad you have found you. ❤️

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  8. Excellent article, LaDonna. I believe those who were past, present, and future addicts have suffered from multiple forms of betrayal trauma; both internal, as in betrayal of self to addiction, and ‘external’ emotional and physical trauma the perpetrators of which are typically family members. As an addict in recovery for almost eight years I have worked through many of these betrayals. It is difficult and healing. I appreciate you. Thank you for sharing your words. Very important. ❤️

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    1. Jeff, thank you for sharing your reflection and part of your experience. Eight years is very meaningful and layered work. ❤️

      I appreciate your voice in this conversation.

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  9. Healing from betrayal is one of the most difficult things because betrayal leaves such deep wounds. However, I think over time with enough work it is possible to move forward and heal. Really great post about an important topic.

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  10. Another powerful piece of writing, LaDonna. Reading this is opening up a world I really never knew existed (or understood), so it’s helpful… a learning experience to understand betrayal trauma not just as an event, but as the collapse of trust in relationships that once felt safe. Your ability to put this into words and offer survivors permission to define their own path forward is inspiring.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this reflection, Randall. I’m glad the article offered a new perspective. Betrayal is a nuanced and often least recognized form of trauma, and it can add many layers to the healing process.

      I genuinely appreciate your engagement in this conversation

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    2. This is such a beautiful piece on mystery, impermanence, and unfolding. ❤️ It feels like Hong Kong holds a deep resonance for you.

      I genuinely appreciated the reflections on movement, memory, and how both a place and a person change over time.

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    1. Lisa, thank you for your lovely comment. I’m glad the article resonated with you.

      Healing truly is a personal process, and each of us deserves our sovereignty as we journey through it.

      I always appreciate you.🩷

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  13. Thank you for this – you cover some really important truths here. Sometimes the betrayal is so real, and the person seriously lets you down, but I have also noticed that when I was at my sickest I could feel a sense of betrayal which was my other traumas mixing into my over-reliance on someone else to help me, such that even a small slight felt like a big let down. It proves that we are complex individuals, and why healing takes time. Thanks again, Linda 🙂

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