The recovery journey following trauma is often long and complex. It is filled with intricacies that are as individual as the person who experienced the incident (or incidents) and the specific circumstances surrounding their trauma. During the recovery process the betrayal that has been experienced and the layered expectations surrounding forgiveness frequently become central themes.

A substantial body of research suggests that experiences involving interpersonal betrayal are a key contributor to this added complexity. In many cases, the harm occurs at the hands of someone the person knows; often someone they trusted, depended upon, or believed cared for them. When the source of harm is intertwined with a relationship that once felt safe, the emotional and psychological impact can be especially disorienting.

Betrayal carries a particularly deep injury. It often involves, not only the loss of a relationship, but the collapse of what once felt certain and safe. When trust is broken (whether this occurs through hands on victimization, deception, infidelity, emotional manipulation, or cruelty in any form) the betrayed person can begin to question their overall safety in relationship to self, other, and the larger world. It can feel as if there is nowhere to turn.

This bind, combined with the inherent desire for safety and recovery, often leads to the construction of psychological defenses that hold a range of feelings, beliefs, and behavioral responses. These defenses are protective when they initially emerge and support the individual to navigate overwhelming circumstances. Over time, however, they may serve to keep trauma responses in place. Healing often unfolds through compassionate understanding -recognizing that these defenses developed as a normative human response, grieving the many entangled losses attached to the experience, understanding the specific defenses that formed, and gradually allowing new discoveries about one’s strength, worth, and capacity for safety in the world to take shape. In large part, this is the work of healing.

When we consider the impact of trauma, the injury of betrayal that often accompanies it, and the painful and delicate nature of the healing journey, it becomes easier to understand why forgiveness can be such a difficult concept for many survivors. To be clear, most clinicians do not suggest that forgiveness is required for healing. Yet many individuals encounter subtle but powerful messages (through cultural narratives, spiritual teachings, family expectations, or well-intentioned advice) that portray forgiveness as a necessary step toward recovery.

For individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma, these messages can create an additional layer of distress. When forgiveness is framed as a requirement for healing, the survivor may feel pressured to resolve emotions that are still unfolding, or to bypass the legitimate anger, grief, and confusion that accompany betrayal. Healing from trauma often requires time to understand what occurred, to grieve what was lost, and to rebuild a sense of safety and trust. These are processes that cannot be rushed by expectation or ideology.

In many cases, healing is less about absolving the person who caused harm and more about restoring one’s own sense of agency, dignity, and internal stability. For some individuals’ forgiveness may eventually emerge as part of that process; for others it may not. What remains essential is the individual freedom to determine what meaning, boundaries, and direction their healing will take.

Healing from betrayal trauma rarely follows a simple or linear path. The journey is shaped by the unique circumstances of the harm, the meaning attached to the relationship that was lost, and the defenses that once formed to protect the mind and body from overwhelming pain. As individuals move through this process, the work is not to erase what happened or to rush toward a socially preferred outcome, but to gradually restore a sense of safety within oneself and in the world. Through compassionate reflection, grieving what was harmed, and understanding the adaptive responses that once helped them survive, many individuals begin to rediscover their resilience and their capacity for trust. This can occur first within themselves, and eventually, when and where it feels safe, with others.

Within this context, forgiveness (f it appears at all) becomes a personal and deeply individual experience rather than a prescribed step toward healing. For some, it may arise quietly over time; for others, healing may instead take the form of clarity, firm boundaries, and the reclaiming of one’s own voice and worth. What matters most is not adherence to an external expectation, but the freedom to move through recovery in ways that honor the survivor’s lived experience. When this freedom is protected, healing becomes less about meeting an ideology and more about restoring a sense of personal integrity, agency, and the possibility of a life that once again feels whole.

As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.

Photo: Pixabay

Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

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Resources and References:

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

Freyd, J. J., & Birrell, P. J. (2013). Blind to betrayal: Why we fool ourselves we aren’t being fooled. Wiley.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.

Glass, S. P. (2003). Not “just friends”: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. Free Press.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD. (2012). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful (2nd ed.). Harper.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
(Classic trauma text often referenced in betrayal and relational trauma work.)

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
(Useful for readers working through shame and vulnerability after relational injury.)

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National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspac