As a therapist in today’s treatment climate, I work with many clients seeking recovery from narcissistic abuse. Terms like narcissism, gaslighting, and love bombing have become common in everyday language, yet for survivors, these words represent more than terminology. They speak to deeply painful, life-altering experiences. Unfortunately, as these terms become normalized in popular culture, the profound recovery process survivors must undergo is often overlooked or minimized.

True healing from narcissistic abuse is a long and complex process. One of the most difficult aspects is untangling what was real from what was illusion. (What was shared with sincerity versus what was carefully constructed to manufacture a false sense of intimacy or security). This often brings about a painful reckoning. Much of what the survivor believed to be true was not. This experience reflects cognitive dissonance; the internal conflict that arises when one’s beliefs are confronted by new, contradictory truths.

Cognitive dissonance in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse can manifest as intense confusion, self-doubt, and emotional paralysis. Survivors may vacillate between defending the abuser’s actions and recognizing the harm they endured. This inner conflict often stems from the narcissistic partner’s intermittent affection, future promises, and persistent gaslighting tactics that condition survivors to override their own instincts.

As survivors begin to reconcile the truth of their experience, the discomfort of holding two opposing realities can feel destabilizing. However, working through this dissonance is a crucial step in reclaiming one’s sense of self. It requires patience, self-compassion, and often, therapeutic support to reestablish trust in one’s perceptions and begin forming a more coherent and empowered Sovreign self.

During this process, many survivors uncover patterns of manipulation that once felt like genuine connection. One of the most insidious tactics is the narcissistic partner’s ability to craft a compelling vision of the future, a future filled with promises of love, commitment, and shared dreams. These promises, often delivered with conviction and emotional intensity, create a powerful bond that keeps the survivor emotionally invested, even when current behaviors contradict those visions. This manipulation, known as future faking, is a deliberate strategy designed to foster hope, delay confrontation, and maintain control.

To add further confusion, these promises aren’t always grandiose. In fact, they’re often subtle, woven seamlessly into the rhythm of daily life to paint a vivid picture of a shared future. Examples vary widely but often tap into one’s deepest longings.

If you hoped for marriage or a family, you may have heard; “When we get married, everything will finally feel right.”, “I’m working hard so our kids never have to struggle like we did.”, “I can’t wait to watch our children grow up together” and/or “Our grandchildren will adore you.”

If you dreamed of travel or retirement, perhaps it was; “Once I get that promotion, we’ll finally take that trip”, “I can’t wait for us to explore the world together.”, or “Just wait until we retire — we’ll go everywhere we’ve dreamed.”

These promises are often empty or marginally fulfilled. This doesn’t occur because of changing circumstances, it occurs because they were never meant to be honored. Their true purpose was to generate hope and attachment, distracting the survivor from unmet needs and red flags in the present.

This tactic works by tethering emotional investment to a fantasy. Meanwhile, the narcissistic partner may have no intention of building the future they describe. Their goal is not connection, it is control. As long as the survivor believes in the promise, they remain committed, often minimizing or excusing present patterns of neglect, manipulation, or betrayal.

This dissonance is deeply disorienting. Survivors often revisit those hopeful words, trying to reconcile them with painful actions. For example, it feels almost impossible to believe someone was being unfaithful when they regularly said things like, “You’re going to be such an amazing parent.” These repeated assurances create a painful disconnect between language and lived experience.

Coming to terms with this form of manipulation is not easy. Future faking is difficult to identify because it feels so personal and is often entwined with a survivor’s core desires. Recognizing this pattern is powerful. It allows survivors to name what happened, reclaim their truth, and anchor themselves in the present. And from that grounded place, healing can begin.

There are many strategies and resources that support recovery. The first step is accurately identifying what has occurred; and doing so through a lens grounded in truth. Within any relationship, trust is foundational. When evaluating trustworthiness, the following questions offer a helpful starting point:

• Do they speak truthfully, even when the truth is uncomfortable or inconvenient?
• Do they behave in ways that are safe and respectful, avoiding actions that cause harm to you or others?
• Do they ask you to keep secrets or participate in deception, or do they encourage openness and integrity?
• Do they follow through on commitments, and if plans change, do they communicate in a timely and respectful way?
• Are they consistent in how they show up across different areas of life — home, work, community — or do they shift depending on who is watching?
• Do they take responsibility for their behavior, especially when they’ve caused harm, without becoming defensive or blaming others?
• Do they honor your emotional, physical, and relational boundaries, or do they test, push, or dismiss the limits you’ve clearly expressed?
• Do you feel emotionally safe with them — able to share your thoughts, needs, and feelings without fear of ridicule, rejection, or retaliation?
• Do they treat others with kindness and dignity, especially those who hold less power or offer no obvious benefit in return?
• Do they respect your individuality — your opinions, interests, and goals — or do they try to mold your identity to fit their preferences or needs?
• Do their actions consistently align with their words over time, or do you notice patterns of contradiction and manipulation?
• Are they committed to mutual growth and repair — able to work through conflict without coercion, control, or punishment?
• And most importantly: How does your body feel in their presence? Do you breathe more easily, or do you feel tense, unsure, or small? Your nervous system often registers safety or danger before your mind can name it.

This list is not exhaustive but is a solid starting place in evaluating trustworthiness.

An additional strategy is to engage in fact-based journaling. This is a therapeutic practice that emphasizes recording objective events, behaviors, and observable details rather than thoughts, interpretations, or emotional responses. The focus is on what actually happened, without overlaying the narrative with judgment, assumptions, or internal processing. Through this process pattern emerges.

Overall, healing after narcissistic abuse is not linear. It is not an easy process, but it is possible. It requires courage, clarity, and often, the support of informed therapy. By naming manipulation, honoring your intuition, and reclaiming your truth, you begin to dismantle the illusions that kept you tethered to harm. In doing so, you don’t just survive, you lay the foundation for a future that is real, offers the potential of reciprocity, and honors you.

As always, thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting through your writing and mine.

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Copyright Protected Material: © 2020 LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW. All rights reserved. Written content on this blog (Perspective on Trauma) is the property of the author LaDonna Remy, MSW, LICSW. Any unauthorized use or duplication without written permission of the author/ owner of this web log is prohibited. Excerpts or quotes may be shared in the event the author is fully cited with reference and direction to this blog.

Professional Disclaimer: It is important to recognize that all information contained in the Perspective on Trauma Blog is informational. It is not intended to provide advice, assessment, treatment, or diagnosis. Content is not intended as a substitute for clinical care. It is not possible to provide informed care through web content, or to engage in an informed treatment relationship within this format. If you or a loved one need support; it is important that you access this care from your own (specifically assigned) health care provider.

Agreement of Use: In consideration for your use of and access to the Perspective on Trauma Blog, you agree that LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW is not liable to you for any action or non-action you may take in reliance upon information from the Perspective on Trauma blog. As noted, it is not possible to provide informed (personalized care) through blog content. In the event, support is needed it is your responsibility to seek care from your own health-care provider.

National Hotlines: 

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: (1-800-799-SAFE 7233)

The National Domestic Violence Chatline. http://www.TheHotLine.org

Treatment Referral Helpline: (1-877-726-4727)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (1-800-273-8255)

The Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Counseling Resources:

ALMA: https://helloalma.com/

Better Help: https://www.betterhelp.com/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Talk Space: https://www.talkspace.com/

Resources:

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Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare: How to devalue and discard the narcissist while supplying yourself. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Brown, S. L. (2010). Women who love psychopaths: Inside the relationships of inevitable harm with psychopaths, sociopaths & narcissists (2nd ed.). The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction.

Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(2), 340–354. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.83.2.340

Durvasula, R. S. (2021, March 16). Narcissistic abuse and the path to healing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202103/narcissistic-abuse-and-the-path-healing

Evans, M. T. (2015). You can thrive after narcissistic abuse: The #1 system for recovering from toxic relationships. THRIVE Publications.

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.